Have you heard this fact?
Guys like confident women. We already know you like confident men.
The quality of confidence ranks high in dating — for both of you.
In fact, many guys, who are visually driven, think an average looking-woman moves up if she has confidence compared to a model-looking woman who is insecure.
But listening to the complaints, you could assume men have a difficult time finding a confident woman. And vice versa.
You know how great it feels when you’re in the midst of a guy who is confident. It works the same way for him.
Let’s drill down into this topic and get clarity so you know if you can pull this confidence thing off.
First, which matters most?
That you are confident or that the guy sees you as confident?
You might think of times in your life that you were confident but others didn’t give you the impression they agreed. That right there could dampen future attempts at being confident in new situations.
But read this by Criss Jami:
“The biggest, and only critic, lives in your perception of people’s perception of you. It’s not people’s perception of you.”
Is it possible then that a barrier to self-confidence is that instead of being confident, you’re fixated on scanning the other person’s perception of you?
Classic. That’s the downfall of our societal conditioning — worry about what other’s think of you. But especially in dating hoping the guy will like you.
You might agree then that if you’re acting confident you’re not leasing your mental space for other his perception.
You say that some guys act too cocky and it’s a turn-off. Some guys say women are too arrogant and that’s a turn-off.
But is it his perception, or are you showing up arrogant? If it’s just his perception, then you’ll always be in trouble. Every time you are confident, he may not interpret it that way.
Let’s check the definition of confidence.
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary calls it “the quality or state of being certain” aka certitude.
That makes sense, right? It’s attractive to engage with a person who’s certain of their abilities, their conversation, and their direction in life.
Why is it attractive?
It’s attractive because when you’re plugged into the “out there” world, you face a whole bunch of uncertain every day. From the fearful news, your bills, your income levels, to your diet concerns, to your loved one’s well-being…the list of uncertainty mounts.
Uncertainty feels overwhelming. Like you can’t breathe.
So if a man comes to you on a date and says, “I’m certain” you perceive that as confidence. And relief. He just became a stand-out in a sea of daily uncertainty.
Conversely, if a guy isn’t confident and has no certainty, it could feel overwhelming to you. Like you’d end up having to take care of him.
Most toxic relationships have a very insecure person.
A guy, looking at you during dating or relationship building, doesn’t want someone who can’t take care of themselves. Insecurity is out. Confidence is in.
So how do you get to be confident all the time when you can’t always have the answers?
Confidence isn’t about having the answers all the time, or all the winners on Jeopardy would have a long line of suitors.
Although both genders state wanting confidence in the other person, they don’t just want an answer person.
Confident people, who aren’t arrogant, have something else: charisma.
“Charisma is a personal magic of leadership arousing special popular loyalty or enthusiasm. A special magnetic charm or appeal” — Merriam-Webster Dictionary