Have you ever been broadsided by the frustration of trying to figure out what’s happening in your relationship with the guy you like?
It all starts so effortlessly. In fact, in the beginning, you may have been a little slower to warm up to your guy.
But once you did there were intense feelings.
The more you thought of him, the more bittersweet it became. You loved thinking of him, but then when he started distancing a bit, it felt painful.
So you set about trying to come up with the pattern to fix to make it all go away. But every time you were onto a theory, it didn’t always pan out.
And sometimes you were a little short with him in your tone, or unavailable when you were available, and the ball of confusion regarding the dating kept growing bigger and bigger.
Sometimes, you explode in a verbal vomit way towards him.
You think that turning yourself inside out to keep him pleased to maintain your connection is a part time job. And even though it feels draining, you want more of him.
You want closeness. Reassurance that he’s your guy for real. That the two of you will work.
Listen to my story about a dear, wonderful client, Rhonda.
Rhonda loved our two First Time Coaching calls.
She learned that what she thought was happening — her guy, Marcus, being too busy at work and not available for dates — was in actuality her trying too much with him and inadvertently pushing him away.
When she tried to win him over, well, he didn’t have to win her over. She took his boyfriend job.
He got boyfriend lazy.
She sat at home upset. You know how upsetting that upset about a guy is.
But of course, after our first call, she changed, and he came back to her with his attention.
But there was a new development.
Rhonda was now keenly aware that her behavior was essential to bringing him close or inadvertently pushing him away.
She was questioning everything she did to make sure it wasn’t setting her up for the middle of the night upset. The middle of the night anxiety is always the worst, isn’t it?
She was questioning the importance of her words on texts and timing of them.
It’s interesting, years ago with landlines or early cellphones, you had only to be concerned with how and what you spoke to a boyfriend.
Today, you better know about texts with him.
When to respond, what to respond to, how to respond, why to respond and whether or not to respond.
It makes or breaks the romantic dynamic. A few texts that you deem harmless and your guy slow fades.
You can text a male colleague at work any old way you want, but do the same approach with a guy you’re dating–bam–you just violated the Law of Romance!
Guys want a different approach in romance land. And by the way, not just with texts, but with many things.
In today’s world, guys are less romance resilient. They do the “back-up dance” with less provocation than in decades past. It takes a knowledgeable woman to navigate it all, and that’s why I like to help. I want you informed.
But before Rhonda could book a learn-about-texts session with me she suddenly had an emergency for me to handle!
Marcus had texted her that he was hanging with his guy friends from Denver on Saturday night and did she want to meet them out?
Normally Rhonda would have wanted to.
Normally she would have seen meeting his friends as a move up the relationship ladder.
Normally she would have been appreciative that Marcus included her in his inner circle when they were still in the early phases of dating.
But here’s what happened.
Rhonda got in an insta-funk over his words meet them out.
She suddenly felt that she’d been downgraded to a casual buddy. She felt she wasn’t important enough for him to take her with him at the start of the night.
So she did what any other upset-in-love female would do: she overreacted and threw text grenades with the intention of mild destruction, evening-ruining, and think-of-me-all-night-now-Mister Man.
Rhonda’s text to Marcus: I’m going out with my girls bar hopping, so you don’t need to worry about waiting for me to arrive.
Notice the craftiness of that text…it is lethal –but has some pivot room that if he gets really angry, she can deflect with how he misinterpreted her words. She was “trying to be helpful to him on his busy night.”
One part of the Law of Romance is that you two are so connected you can get intuitional or gut instincts through energy alone. Guys have extraordinary Boyfriend Sensitivities.
Guys know your intent.
To be clear, Rhonda wasn’t asking me so much how she should have texted in the first place–she knew she blew that–she wanted to know how to deal with the emergency of:
How could she repair the damage when he’s out for the night (with guys he can complain to and hot women everywhere).
The only way to reach him was by text.
She got an emergency coaching session with me. She knew I had the clarity to fix it all.
She was in tears and didn’t want to lose him.
I didn’t think it was the end of them at all.
The problem was fixable–even before he headed out with his friends.
While I knew that Marcus cared for her, he also wasn’t going to tolerate emotional grenades.
The only solution was to go right into the eye of the hurricane.
Here was a perfect opportunity for Rhonda to step up and show Marcus that she was capable of recovering quickly from her emotional volcanic spew in a way that is appealing to him. (Of course, her goal is not to have eruptions, but heh, if one erupts it’s how gracefully you handle it on the back end).
Guys LOVE women who can navigate this seemingly thin line: not being a drama queen but being a feeling feminine being—especially when they are romantically entwined.
It ups your Boyfriend Appeal. You aren’t an emotional basket case hoping your boyfriend will fix it all.
One of the three True-Wife Categories guys screen you for in dating includes this ability to not be a victim of your feelings (aka a “basket case”).
Remember, men are observing you during the dating process, as well they should. Just like you should be observing guys in the dating process!
The tricky part is that guys have amazing antennas I call Boyfriend Supernatural Senstitivites and can pick up even unspoken blame. If you think it, say the opposite, they can sense it. They avoid conflict with you. They distance.
While dealing with Rhonda’s crisis, I always educate her so that she knows how I’m putting out the fire and how to handle a future fire herself.
Rhonda felt a significant shift in the call and was feeling such relief and hope that Marcus wasn’t going to kick her to the curb. She felt her heart stop racing and took a deep breath.
She had a plan and felt much better. Rhonda had shifted from thinking Marcus thought of her very casually to learning that her judgments were not factual and would push him away.
I’m always super pleased when a client reaches out before dropping another emotional bomb to fix the first mess!
We crafted the text to Marcus, and she knew she had to release all expectations.
And she did.
Later, lo and behold–
Here’s the email I received from Rhonda that night:
Hey, Christine. Wow. Whew. I’m with him and his friends! He came and PICKED ME UP! He’s so loving and I feel loved both from him and to myself and I’m proud all the way around. I’m just so relieved. You are a miracle worker you know this stuff so inside-out. THANK YOU!!
Would you like clarity or need to fix an issue between you and your guy?
What I did for Rhonda — my Romance Coaching sessions — I can certainly do for you… and I will!
Schedule a Romance Coaching session with me, and I’ll teach you the why, what, and how to take control of the situation so that you can breathe again knowing that the Law of Romance particulars that you do will draw him to you!
You’ll get what Rhonda got — her guy paying attention to her in a loving way! She simply increased her Boyfriend Appeal, and he was right there.
As a result of our Romance Coaching calls, you will…
- Gain confidence, feeling your value in his adoring eyes
- Start feeling him move your relationship towards marriage
- Drop the anxiety out of your relationship and replace it with deep love
I promise that our time together will be radically insightful and helpful to you, just like Rhonda.