Love Advice That Works For You And Your Guy When There’s A Fight With Boyfriend
Do you find that you dread the times when you argue with your boyfriend?
Arguing with your boyfriend is painful and the downside of a relationship.
Relationship problems pop up and they can feel super intimidating and sometimes may scare you if the argument with boyfriend goes on too long or feels too attacking and loud.
You probably want your relationship to be happy, peaceful, and joyous at all times but in reality relationship problems pop up and arguing with a boyfriend seems to be the default ineffective way to handle things due to him or you being “triggered” over a situation.
Society says to argue…politicians, sports coaches and Little League parents, neighbors, celebrities on Twitter, and… couples.
Let’s face it, when things are good, there is no argument with a boyfriend or husband and that feels good.
Relationship problems erupt and it seems that you just verbally want to duke it out with an argument with your boyfriend as though that will accomplish or resolve matters.
My love advice tips?
Realize that an argument heals nothing and that the whirlwind leading up to the argument holds more clues than the argument itself. In fact, looking back on such problems there’s always one positive–you have a better understanding of what you do and don’t want. That is the hidden silver lining of all of life’s difficulties.
I will help you here so that an argument with your boyfriend or husband becomes a thing of the past!
But first, here’s some relationship help insight…
Have you ever noticed during an argument with a boyfriend or husband you may experience fight or flight desires?
You literally want to run away.
Or, with today’s topic, you want to stand there and beat him up with your words, in a raised voice, with dramatic face with the endurance to outlast him like a cactus in a dry spell.
All of that is “fight,” aka arguing with a boyfriend or husband.
As a woman, you have to know how to deal with arguments in a relationship so that you don’t get trapped in a rabbit hole of lose-lose with your man.
How to deal with arguments in a relationship will not only help your man, but also keep you living a peaceful life with your partner and deepening the love for each other instead of saying regretful and hurtful words.
You can provide relationship help just by bypassing an argument (which is always an immature exchange of who is right) and paying attention to other cues, as well as choosing love, which I describe below.
If you could put life in slow motion and be completely aware of your internal process seconds prior to an argument, you’d observe a wide range of rapid-fire reactions from judgements to expectations to fear to need for control and defending yourself, that happen so quickly, you have little time to assess your part in it all.
The anatomy of an argument kicks up faster than a late-summer tornado in Kansas.
The old and repetitive argument-with-boyfriend (or anyone else) sequence launch cannot be avoided when you are not aware that you are being triggered over some old beliefs that no longer serve you.
When we get triggered, each of us goes into our old conditioning from childhood or society and we instantly get into a fear funk.
This always happens to me, All men are brutes, Why can’t I have true love?, Why did he not think of my feelings? When is he going to commit?, etc.
The problem is that when you’re in relationship with somebody and they are voicing attack language such as these…
“Why did you do that?!”
“How come you never _____?!”
“Why do I ALWAYS have to ___________?”
“If you’d ever __________ maybe we could get along!!”
“Why can’t you just once _________???”
The recipient of that HAS to go into defense mode which means they are trying to survive and get away not stand and hear you out. The recipient could be your guy or you.
Arguing of course comes from a closed cold heart that has no immediate options–it just wants to fight. Fighting is a conditioning through repetition that some part of you associates with feeling better.
In a way, it is a release from the toxic thoughts built up inside. However, ultimately it has a bomb ripple effect that serves nobody including yourself.
Authentic or Feminine communicating requires listening and speaking from your SOFT, WARM HEART.
In the Law of Romance, you are aware that your guy has Boyfriend Supernatural Sensitivities and he is scanning you for those three True-Wife Qualities. One is your congruent tone with words.
If the day before you were telling him you loved him and then today blowing up and blaming him he thinks, “She’s not congruent. Better distance.”
It happens just like that.
Here’s some relationship advice for women…
Your goal, hopefully, is to have intimate, non-surface-level communication with your man so that you are always experiencing a deepening of love with him. You have to realize, inside of a romantic relationship, even with a guy you just started dating, you have to not attack him. You have to own your stuff and reel it in so that it doesn’t contaminate him and distance him.
Arguing is a very superficial communication style and avoided in healthy relationships.
Arguing is the equivalent of two 5 year olds in a sandbox saying:
“Give me the shovel, its mine!!”
“No its mine!”
“No its mine!” and the back and forth arguing continues endlessly until someone (the smart one) throws in the towel.
There’s no resolution and people get stuck in running the hamster wheel of old conditioning and the default to just argue it out.
The most pointed jabs or loud voice or venomous verbal statements wins.
But you know that in that scenario, everyone loses.
Even if you are the last person standing, it may temporarily feel victorious but a minute later—you realize nothing was resolved—and your man is sulking and you both feel badly.
I call this Response Of The DUBOO, which is an acronym standing for Dried Up Bits Of Ourselves that I made up years ago to explain the phenomenon of us going against better judgement and choosing actions that keep us down and hold us back from love and being intimate.
This DUBOO gets triggered over something in life and goes back to old, old decisions and beliefs made by it when you were young and unable to handle the chaos of your world.
A DUBOO is almost like a child part of us living inside and running your life ineffectively from a fear state.
The DUBOO got hurt and decided with a youthful mindset that it was going to deal with any problem that looked like (insert situation) in a completely unhealthy way—forever!
There could be DUBOOs inside of you for many, many different triggers that need healing and they always sort of “ruin” things rather than choose love when you’re in the love trenches.
But once you become aware of your DUBOOs, you can be the leader– instead of them.
However, that is the work. Find the way to choose love when DUBOOs rear themselves into your life.
In this case it’s a DUBOO that wants to argue with a man rather than find the way to choose love.
Choosing love is one of the common relationship issues that a couple needs to deal with.
Check out my video about arguments with your romantic man here.
As a woman, you need to know how to deal with arguments in a relationship through your heart wisdom (soft and warm) which is when Divine Wisdom is allowed to flow to you with the perfect words, compassion and wisdom to resolve any argument.
How to deal with conflict with your husband or boyfriend and how to resolve conflict with ideas and values of true unconditional love with him, make you a woman in charge with her feminine energy.
My dating advice for women is to do your darn best to bypass the superficial arguing back and forth (despite the familiar lure and action choice by your Arguing DUBOO) and remember that arguing gets you nowhere.
Next, you will benefit greatly to feel your feelings, right there in the moment of the tornado of an argument.
Lean back and reflect inside what you are feeling. Do so with a soft heart and let what you’re feeling–even negative feelings–wash over you.
Our world is too much about stuffing our feelings. You want to feel them and then move on.
What you are feeling is the clue to your particular old, old belief that is troubling you and would ask of you to avoid feeling and instead attack and blame your man, or at least critique his behavior as though if he were to change, according to you, that all would be well.
Drop all your mental leaning forward into your man thinking of yourself as a professor of If He Would Do It My Way All Would Be Well Book For Life.
That is all expectations…disguised control.
Next take a breather from the argument and wanting to win it at all costs and go to your emotional center.
Notice, “Wow was I just leaning into him mentally or physically? Let’s lean back and try to find a teeny bit of relax/softness in my body and let things wash over me and check in with how I feel.”
Now you can notice the rapid-fire feelings: I feel anxious I feel knots in my stomach I feel terrified I feel repulsed I feel lectured to I feel scared I feel angry… and then you announce how you feel In response to either your DUBOO or his DUBOO and say it out loud and say it in a non-blaming manner.
I feel terrified at loud voices.
I feel scared this will become an hour long argument with no resolution.
I feel angry and I also want to run. I’m going to the grocery store…
I feel fear and need to go sit quietly with myself and my DUBOO and give it some love.
Really, your goal is to love you first by owning your responses.
Feeling your feelings instead of stuffing them, turning into a doormat or a fighter, is the way to choose love.
Once you are feeling your feelings, you are no longer busy judging what he’s doing wrong and that backing up away from him (because you’re leaning back) creates the space for your man to breathe and own his part.
Feeling your feelings allows him to realize you own your DUBOO’s reaction to an event instead of blaming him.
You avoid the need to attack, blame or criticize him and instead feel your feelings in the moment and get to know yourself better: all of those layers of feeling hurt, scared, numb, or terrified.
You choose love for you first, and that by default is love for him and that’s from feeling your feelings.
And if you’re really just checking inside of yourself and expressing that feeling, instead of bypassing and attacking him, it heals yourself because it gives you a chance to do an immediate emotional cleanse rather than stuff your feelings which toxically build up inside.
Let your argument DUBOO out to play, instead of fight, and get some love from you by taking some space from the other person wanting to argue.
It’s amazing that love, and situations seen through love, dissolve.
You will train yourself and your man that you love yourself enough not to argue.
Talking from a soft heart is much better.
The goal is always to love yourself more and deeply.
Has any of this happened to you?
Please share and comment below…
This is a great article! I always tend to exploit in arguments and when I reflect after the damag is done it was usually based out of a fear from my past. Had I taken a moment to internalize what the issue was for myself and vocalize it in a non critical blaming way it would save so much heartache and distance and non congruent feelings. Something to practise until all the Duboos are addressed.
Christine Rich Hanson says
Hi and I wholeheartedly agree. We all do the same stuff until we’ve healed that Duboo. Thanks for writing!!
Hi.. this happened to me and my guy. I’m always bringing of an argument due to my DUBOOs of fear and insecurity.. I have this constant fear I’m being lied to bcoz of my past. I’m going to try this out but my partner has not called nor texted me since yesterday after we exchanged so much angered emotions… i don’t know if I should wait or just call him instead
Christine Rich Hanson says
Definitely hold off texting him. If you owe him an “I’m sorry” send that in a day. Remember to keep your mind in the present, not the past with him. Hugs, Christine