Effective Communication & How To Talk To Your Boyfriend Or Husband For Relationship Communication.
Isn’t it amazing?
You’re a grown adult woman and yet you may become tongue tied over how to communicate with your man!
I mean, you know how to communicate, it’s just that when you have something important to share with your guy, you may find that you suddenly don’t know how to communicate, how to say a simple sentence when it comes to sharing thoughts and feelings you imagine will upset him and potentially distance him.
Every time you need to confront an issue with your partner it seems that your good communication skills disappear.
Is it fear? Fear of losing him? Fear that it will create an argument–again? Fear that he will take your communication the wrong way and distance–again?
Yep, it’s understandable how you have a hard time with such a seemingly simple task of how to talk to your boyfriend.
And you must remember that communication in relationships is very important. It keeps the intimacy going. It makes the relationship juicy and not fear based.
I totally understand and have been there.
If as a woman you can’t tell your man that you don’t like him looking at other women, or flirting with an ex in his Facebook timeline, or discuss how you feel when he only comes around barely once a week or doesn’t pay for the child’s things, these are the “tough topics” that can make you fear how to communicate.
How to communicate with a man is always a struggle for women once in a relationship and it’s your intuition that tells you to be suspect about blurting stuff out to your guy any old way. Your intuition is correct!
It is easy to talk…discuss the weather, gossip from work, what you saw the neighbor’s do, but to communicate…well that’s where the tongue can feel tied up as though it doesn’t work.
Actually if we drill down deeper, the tongue works (you may remember the last time you yelled at the man out of frustration from holding back for so long), it’s just that you probably sense that if you don’t do exactly right, you have a week of silence from him.
Let’s look at why.
Guys have what I call Boyfriend Supernatural Sensitivities when it comes to communication. They want your tone to match the words coming out of your mouth. This is VERY subtle and important to your guy.
You have been trained by society to almost not “cause a problem” and “roll along” which might give you a sense that you shouldn’t bring a hot topic up. On the other hand, you are self aware that if you ignore the hot button issue, you will eventually explode. That never goes well does it? *smile*
Couple that with the probability that you are probably scared of losing him.
Losing him if you tell him something that he’s doing that you want changed.
Like not proposing. Or not brushing his teeth before the date.
Now here’s the oddity: if you want to be close and live with this man, wouldn’t you think he’d be the ONE person you’d want to have the BEST communication with?
Your answer is probably “yes.”
However in the heat of the moment, you freeze. You realize you also don’t want to lose the ONE person you love.
Let me help you get out of this bind.
Start with having the intention that your talk will be non blaming, non-attacking.
Watch this video on communicating with your man by clicking here.
In the video you can learn ways to communicate with your man and how to improve communication with him that even when you brought something up, he’s still feeling valued.
Now, for each bit of communication I might advise you a little differently.
I would not bring up “when are you marrying me”?
But for other things that make you uncomfortable, like talking to his ex on Facebook, you have to take a minute by yourself and contemplate what is it that bothers you about his conversations about his ex (or whatever the hot button issue is).
Is it that you are jealous of the ex? Jealous of their interaction? What is the quality of the interaction? Informational or intimate? Business like or flirty? How often does it happen? Daily? Weekly? Once every 6 months?
What is it about that their exchanges bothers you? Do you feel left out? Not bothered at all but just think he shouldn’t do it? Does he adore you or is he lukewarm? Does he seem more engaged with her than you?
Are you exclusive or newly dating or long term casually dating?
There are so many factors.
Again, communication in a relationship is a primary element of a solid and honest relationship. And most of the time, that communication needs to be between you and yourself.
Yes. You need to get clear first, before talking to him, if this is your issue or a relationship issue.
You may not like the issue and think it comes between the two of you, but keep talking to yourself first rather than immediately blame him.
If your guy is having to do business with his ex and talk but he adores you and is a great guy, the issue lies with you.
If your guy is a flirt with everyone but adores you and it’s harmless banter, the issue lies with you. Ex: he says, “It’s a beautiful day because you are lighting up my world!” and that is told to the college girl at the deli counter and the 80 year old great grandma handing out cheese samples at Whole Foods.
If your guy is a flirt with everyone and it crosses into the sexual or inappropriate and is uncomfortable, the issue is with him — and with you for liking a guy who demeans you. Dump him.
After reflection if you think it’s your issue, but it is affecting your mood around him, this is where you feel what your feeling, let it impact your tone, and tell him words that match like, “Sam, you are a great boyfriend to me and I’m feeling off and need a minute to process something. I’ve been upset that you talk on Facebook with your ex but I know that this is my issue because you are a great boyfriend to me.”
He will not distance over that great communication! He will feel included and may share. Now you have intimacy.
Notice how that dialogue improves your communication vs. hiding it or waiting until you can’t take it anymore and blow up blaming him?
It’s all about being truthful first to yourself, then to include him and letting him know what’s in your heart.
Then slowly, the way to improve communication is by finding little risks of stating your truth to your boyfriend. That communication process enriches you, him and the relationship.
If he’s a good guy, that will endear him to you by way of his Boyfriend Supernatural Sensitivities. He always wants congruence between what you’re feeling and your words.
If he’s a cad (not really into you) he was leaving anyway. It is always just a matter of time.
Either way, it’s GREAT practice for you to start stating how to speak to him.
If you need help with sorting out if it’s your issue or his and then what to do from there, I’m available in coaching sessions to help you with that.
Please share and comment below if this makes sense.
Nancy Camm says
Thanks again for more help. I just told the guy I used to date
that I was diagnosed with oral Herpes virus, I had it when we dated and did not know it. My Doctor said you do not have to tell him, it is not an STD. I was relieved, but then a close friend asked me if I thought that was fair, I said no, I think it is fair for him to know.
I dreaded calling him and telling him, just as you said, fear he would get mad at me, etc. even though I had done nothing wrong!! So I decided that informing him was the loving thing to do, loving myself enough to be brave and do what I felt was the right thing. Wow, he was calm and understanding!! Even almost comforting.
Then we had a nice chat time, catching up on things. (He broke up with me in Jan.) He also confided in me his sad and painful feelings about his Dad.
What made it easier is not seeing him for a long time, the old
attachment was not there. And I have been experiencing loving myself. If I was still in love with him, it would have been harder.
Christine Rich Hanson says
So happy you experimented with honesty…it was met with his opening up and sharing!
If you are in love with a man, that’s all the more reason to be honest. Not being honest
destroys the intimacy (closeness, connection).