Well, it started out great, didn’t it?!
All the hot dates. Looking forever in each other’s eyes. The kiss. Oh yes. The kisses.
Pure bliss to last forever.
Then with glee in your voice, you said yes. Well not that yes, but yes to being exclusive.
And off you two lovebirds went. Pivoting from dinners at restaurants to meals at home. Together.
Cuddling watching Netflix. His arm around you. Your head on his chest. The smell of his shirt was intoxicating your senses.
Nothing could ever go wrong. These were the best two months of your life. After all, he and you were exclusive now.
One Week Later After “Exclusive”
Wait. What’s going on here? You’re going out of your way to show him what a great catch you are long-term. But he’s a little too NOT HOW HE WAS IN THE BEGINNING!
In the beginning, he called you up and asked you out and made date plans. He hung on your every word and kissed you tenderly.
It’s not that he does not love you, but there’s been a shift, and your spidey senses are picking it up.
In your corner, you’ve stepped it up. You’ve:
- helped him out by doing his laundry when you’re at his house.
- and while you were at his house you cleaned his bathroom. It was sort of a mess.
- called him during the day to let him know what the two of you were doing that night. That way he didn’t have to take up his time planning a date with thoughtful you.
What guy wouldn’t think you’re a dream catch, right? It’s like he got a built-in maid and secretary!
Three Weeks Later
You’re trying to have patience with this guy you love so much. That big hunk.
He seems distant now. He says he has to stay late at work. You’ve called him, and he’s definitely in his office, but his voice seems a little perturbed that you phoned.
You only wanted to:
- tell him your parents were coming to town this weekend and you all should have dinner together.
- tell him that you want to start paying 50–50 for all your dates or at home meals.
- tell him that you found some stains on his favorite dress shirt but not to worry, you ordered one for him — your gift.
- make his life easier, more loving and assure him you’re future wife material.
Hey, your guy’s got it made, right? He’s got an events coordinator and a sugar-mama!
One Month Later
Well, someone’s turned into Mr. Grump. He’s not only staying late at work most every night; now he’s making plans with the guys on the weekend.
You do everything for him; you’d think he’d be appreciative. It’d be nice if he did that for you.
You know he loves you, but it’s getting harder and harder to tell from his actions.
You’re sitting at home a lot. Waiting.
There was a good date on Wednesday at that new restaurant Carmine’s. That’s when you were showing him how much you care and:
- pre-ordered his favorite bottle of wine and had it brought to the table
- remembered that the temps would drop outside and grabbed his jacket for him
Why would he want to spend more time with his friends on the weekend when he could have a mom, I mean, you?!
Sure-Fire Plan For Roommates-For-Life
What I just laid out may seem a tad over-the-top reading it. Or not.
I promise you, most women do this when they are head or heels in love.
Such activities will distance your guy either into a breakup or the roommate-zone. Like the friend-zone, the roommate zone is painful territory when you really want romance.
At the beginning of dating, all was great. Your guy wanted to take you off the dating market, and you agreed.
But, you know how some men complain “marriage changes the woman” in ways they don’t like? That exclusivity label changed you.
It didn’t change you at the core. That “you” you tossed aside in favor of Action Girl To Prove Her Worth.
Action Girl can scale mountains. Leap into areas that are not her business. Take on waaaaay too much. Exhaust herself and loop back for more of doing her guy’s job.
Many women make this error all in the name of love. Maybe it’s from sudden low self-worth (I don’t want to lose him) or not feeling good enough (Maybe I’m not his One). Or, proving your worth is a cover for your uncertainty to commit long term. Either way, Action Girl To Prove Her Worth is a train-wreck.
No guy can maintain his masculinity inside of a romantic relationship and be with an Action Girl.
Action Girl Proving Her Worth: Reaction Mode
When you deep dive into proving your worth to him by do, do, doing, it’s a disaster all the way around. Let’s look how we can get you back on track to joy and him feeling romantic again:
1. You lost the relationship with you.
When you first started with your guy, he wasn’t even on your radar. You were into you first, your life, your joy. He joined that party of being into you. It was win-win.
Sure you enjoyed his company and his romantic overtures. You were relating off of his actions. You let him lead and you received his attentions. That’s how you build romance.
2. You took a second job: Him.
As the examples here reveal, you took on being his
- events planner
- and mother.
You might have heard that relationships take ‘work.’ They didn’t mean this.
Your do, do, doing lead to his run, run, running.
Society may have conditioned you that that’s what you do if you’re female and in love. That nonsense is setting you back and pushing him away. It also leaves you feeling exhausted and angry.
3. The guy, in romance, wants to treat you like a Queen.
Your job? Allow it.
It’s a form of self-love: allowing yourself to receive his love. That’s reciprocal. That’s Law of Romance. It’s also feminine.
Back up that doing energy and let him make arrangements. If you jump in to fill in the blanks before he gets a chance you create a lazy boyfriend. Once he gets Boyfriend Lazy, he’s your roommate.
4. Decide what you want. Then do that.
If you want romance, go back to being into you and showing him excitement for his love of you.
If you want a roommate, then keep doing. But don’t expect great sex, romance, cuddling, peace, or adventure. Do expect to feel resentful, angry and very tired.
A side note: If you were to have an actual roommate, you’d get rent and let them live their life. And, hey, no laundry.
5. If you want love, serve up love.
If you put a microscope to it, there is no love in being his mom, events director, sugar-momma or maid. That is stuff you have to do for young children. That is love action towards a child. But, he is a grown man. He’s not a child. It’s disrespectful to treat him like one.
Love is being respectful. Be respectful that he is an adult who got along fine without you before. And be respectful to you. You got along fine before him.
And by respecting him you have a healthy dose of respecting yourself. It’s always about us stepping into our personal power and owning it. Respect those boundaries.
Don’t try to sweeten the deal. Too much sugar makes one sick. Love is not ingratiating yourself.
Call To Action
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Hi, I have a boyfriend for 2 weeks now (He is my first I I am learning everything – pretty stressful I have to say). Since the very beginning (3rd day) till now I’ve been at his place because I was working in his town and he wanted me to stay a bit longer. Naturally, I am not that heavy cleaner, but while being at his I would every day and every time wash the dishes and deal with clothes. After reading thid I am afraid I messed up. I even did’n let him (I did a bit) care and push my suitcase.. He went with me to the bus station but didn’t wait with me for the bus. Can I fix this somehow? I am returning to his in 10 days and I won’t do that anymore and I won’t call him nor send him messages (another your article), but what if it doesn’t work out? That will crash me, I hardly started to believe him.
Christine Rich Hanson says
All that stuff you did for him sets you up as his “mom” or “maid”. Don’t do that. Be the gf and let him do for you. When you see him next, just don’t do a thing and let’s see if he becomes inspired to show up as a bf.
Christine Rich Hanson