Why Isn’t He Introducing Me To Anyone Like His Family & Friends?
You like your guy a lot, and then you start to notice a relationship milestone that pops up in your mind like many women encounter when dating men: Why isn’t he introducing me to those close to him?
Before you panic and start asking your boyfriend why he hasn’t introduced you to anyone, you need some relationship advice before a bigger problem develops.
Somewhere in the history of dating men, a woman decided, certainly without any dating tips, that if her man she’s dating isn’t introducing her to his friends, family, and parents, it meant the worst. It meant that he’s not that into her, he’s not going to commit, he’s using her, he’s up to no good, and she’s wasting her time with him.
The cad.
But it could also mean, in the relationship milestone hurdles, that the lack of introduction to his inner circle is NOT a predictor of a break-up to come. It could simply mean that he is a guy.
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In the vast land of Signs He Wants A Relationship, is being introduced to his closest entourage an absolute predictor to your future as a couple?
If you scour the Internet there are lots of advocates of just that.
This article says to break up with him immediately if you’ve confronted him about this topic and he doesn’t take action soon.
I’m sure the author had good protective dating advice intentions for women.
For me, it’s about trusting yourself first and knowing that if your intuition is going off like a five alarm bell, you’ll exit to safety. Or get a relationship coach to hold your hand and drag you out of the fire.
But in the regular fare of life, yes, it’s typical (through societal conditioning) to be cool one day with your boyfriend hunk and then suddenly feel panic that he’s not introducing you or inviting you to family or friends.
One minute you were fine and the next minute you weren’t.
I propose that sudden flip-flopping derives from a victim-expectation that you’ve given meaning to which becomes a requirement from you for him to satisfy.
Sort of like at some point there was no Valentine’s Day, and now there is the business-creation Hallmark Cards/Florist/Chocolates Valentine’s Day to prod women to expect love celebration on February 14.
Your victim-expectation goes: if the bf isn’t bringing the Valentine’s stuff, then-surely-he-doesn’t-love-you. A great boyfriend won’t bite because to do so he agrees that you are going to be a victim if he doesn’t serve up.
If you are okay with the relationship and then out of the blue, and tied to a societal belief that “he should be doing ____,” that sort of pressure on a guy to accommodate your dating milestones isn’t going to feel fair to him.
Please watch my video on this topic here.
I know the urgency of looking for those social-proof signs he’s in a relationship with you to the detriment of all the great things he is doing right.
You may yearn for external signs of validation that the relationship is going somewhere besides Breakupville or Nowheresville as though having those signs were signals from the Universe that this relationship was destined for eternity.
I remember a guy I was dating, and I twisted things so that I could meet his children and afterward…nada. It didn’t change a thing between him and me, and it didn’t end up meaning what I thought my mind had conjured it up to be! We did not progress as a couple.
Let’s go back to that fictitious woman in dating history.
It’s 264 BC of men dating and our protagonist has given great weight to whether her Roman gladiator Brutus is sincere to her as a meaningful wife mate in the first relationship milestone ever.
Amazonia: “Brutus, it cometh to my attention you have deprived me of meeting your gladiator friends. I take this as a sign that you doth have no love for me. Please explaineth yourself.”
Brutus: “Huh? I mean…what sayeth you?”
Amazonia: “You go off with your friends and they don’t knoweth of me, thereforest does this mean I am not of serious consequence in your life to be known to others?”
Brutus: “Amazonia, we are off doing great battles. Most of my gladiator friends die with swords in their lower netherlands. Why bother introducing you to them? What bearing dost that have upon our great love?”
Amazonia: “Well what about your parents? I should meet them so that I can see myself as proper in your eyes. There must be signs you want a relationship.”
Brutus: “My parents are 18 days of riding in a chariot away, and, since the empire is under attack, I must do battle to save me and you which seemeth more important than an excursion to meeteth my parents.”
Amazonia: “But without it you may just be using me like a chamber maid, WHICH I AM NOT!”
Brutus: “You doth protest too much. I must don my armor and leave for work. My chariot awaits for battle.”
There you have it. While your sudden and urgent belief compels you to seek an introduction to all of your guy’s closest folks, it’s easy to dismiss that there is someone else in the mix—him–and his desires!
And he has his opinions and views.
They may differ from yours and are no less valid.
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No one holds the omnipresent view point of what action now ensures a “perfect” future later.
He may not want to put pressure on the relationship, he may dread the drama of his parents, he may fear that one introduction will result in pressure to make babies, he may not even have value for such introductions as he’s anti-Hallmark corporation of drummed up meaning for particular events, he may– 100 other things– none of which means he doesn’t take you seriously.
What you want is your relationship etched in his heart. There is where it matters most.
Now let’s reverse it, and we may find that if your desire for your external acknowledgment were to happen, it would not at all move you up the relationship milestone ladder as you thought. It’s just an event that comes and goes.
Let’s say it’s 4 – 10 months in and you have that snap, that moment that “he should be introducing me because I’m not his chamber maid, I mean hook-up.”
And lo and behold, he invites you to his brother’s wedding.
You feel in. Insider in.
This invite to go as your man’s date has to mean something right?
The wedding ceremony, holding his hand, breathing in that he is sending you a signal of future marriage to you. Ahhh.
Him introducing you to EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE on such a BIG day when you are rocking the LBD. There are his parents, his sister, his brother and new wife, all of his relatives, his college friends, his 3rd grade teacher, his orthodontist from high school, even his ex-post college girlfriend who you vaguely thought was only a friend and now you’re finding out they actually dated for a year but oh well you’re with him now, sister!!
You are looking at the wedding reception napkins and trying to decide if your couple initials will be in gold or silver on your wedding day.
Slow forward to two weeks later.
Something has gone wrong. You didn’t see it coming.
As you look at his face and see his lips moving you hear a broken conversation with word shrapnel landing on your ears as your heart feels a death grip only love can bring…
“…thinking…been unsure…not hurt you…understand…your friendship…timing…”
Yeah, whatever. He just broke up with you.
That is why these relationship milestones mean nothing on a significant spiritual level.
And they don’t mean anything without considering the man.
You may be his walk-off-into-the-sunset-girl.
Don’t make events more important than the quality of his love and how you feel around him.
It’s far better not to get caught up in our expectational minds with a flip-flop moment that’s bringing fear and urgency. And those moments could be expecting Valentine’s gifts, or it means he doesn’t love you. Or if he doesn’t introduce you to his parents it means you’re not significant to him. Or if he doesn’t let you meet his friend that means he’s having an affair. Or if he doesn’t stop what he’s doing to meet you to do something, you dramatically assure yourself and him he has ruined your day.
In those random flip-flop moments where you’re creating an expectation that has “victim” written all over it, here’s what to do:
- Realize it’s all a self-created illusion.
- Realize this is just a conditioned moment and dig in to pull out of it. Creating a story of expectation won’t serve you.
- You may have, spiritually, created the expectation of healing some deep pain so that you can have more love capacity for yourself.
- Feel your judgment and angst over what he’s not doing according to your cute mind and pivot to a better direction.
- Do the thing that you always have in your life that brings you joy such as your pet project, your hobby, your thing that satisfies you.
You are okay. You realize that an external socialized marker such as introductions to your bf’s inner circle may not be what society has it cracked up to be. Instead, it’s all about what’s in his heart and your connection to that love.
And, of course, your love for you.
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I’d love to hear from you below. Have you ever longed for your boyfriend to acknowledge you to others to then have it not feel as you had imagined?
Please share and comment below…
Hi Christine, I’m glad I found your article because I’m going through the exact same thing but every other articles would just told me to move on basically.
I’m a 32 year old woman and been dating my boyfriend (31 yo) for almost a year now. We met on tinder during pandemic and we just hit it off. We have this special connection that I never felt with anyone else before. He just “gets” me, if that makes sense.
He lives in Europe and I’m in Asia, but that doesn’t seem to stop us from getting to know each other and we would spend hours on the phone talking about everything and nothing sometimes. We would talk on the phone or video calls, and even though I never see him in person, I feel like I already know him so much because I saw him on my screen a lot. So when we made it official, I told my friends about him. He also sent me flowers to my parent’s house (it was during lockdown and I spent it on my hometown), so then I told my parents about him. Of course they were a bit worried because I never met him and he lives faraway (what if he’s a catfish?). I understand why they were worried so I would let my mom talk to my boyfriend sometimes on the phone just for them to get to know each other. It’s seems that all the important people in my life already know about our relationship. Because I always think, just because he’s not here doesn’t mean he can’t be a part of my life.
After 3 months of dating I asked him if his family or friends knew about me and he said no. He said that he’s always been a private person and never talked about personal stuff with his friends or family. This lead to several arguments because being kept as secret doesn’t sit well with me. I started to feel insecure, that maybe he’s embarrassed of me. He said that he’s protecting me; he’s worried that they’re going to judge him for finding a girlfriend on an online dating apps and wether if his parent would find it hard to understand because he’s parents are old and don’t know that kind of stuff (even though my parents are older than his and I’ve faced the same problems but I managed to have them some understanding). He said that he’ll tell them when he’s going to visit me. At least by that time, they’ll know that we’re both serious. I trust him and let it passed.
We planned for him to come visit me in January, but during December, covid situation in both of our countries were hitting the second wave so I told him to just come here later when it’s safe for him to travel. It’s March now and the vaccination process in our countries are sooooo sloowww and his government already made an announcement that the lockdown in their country could be prolonged until June. I was sad of course because I want to be with him so bad, but he kept reassuring me that he’s going to be here as fast as he could once the situation is better. I know that it’s hard for him too so I try to understand. But today when we were just talking on the phone for half an hour, his friend showed up unexpectedly at the park were he was at and he asked me if he could hang up right away. I always allowed and even encouraged my boyfriend if he wants to but I can’t say that I’m not hurt when he can’t wait to hang up on me in case his friend got closer. The doubt and fear that I have months ago crept back in. His friends get to see him everyday and I could only spent time with him on the phone. I know if his friends know that he wants to spend sometime with his long distance girlfriend they would understand.
He said that it’s not about me and asked me to trust him. I do trust him, but it’s also hard not to be insecure about it and not take it personally. Am I being dramatic and overthinking here? Please help. (And sorry for the ultra long paragraphs). Thank you so much Christine
Hi Okky,
It’s difficult to know where his head is at but a couple of things to realize. You two are creating an artificial relationship based on non-physical. I know that’s obvious, but, when you two ever get to be together, it will likely fall apart. All of your “togetherness” is through technology and that will be gone as soon as you two get in front of each other. His smell, his physical size, his movement, the way he eats, touches you, it will be not what you’ve based it on so far.
He likely doesn’t tell his friends and family because they will say he’s nuts. I get that. And he can’t be “all in” and declaring his love for you because HE’S NEVER MET YOU IN PERSON. So what you have is pen pals and a 50-50 shot that it develops but with a year of just talking, the high odds are that it won’t happen. Just my two cents. After a Covid “clear” you may find him making excuses to delay meeting. The best you can do right now is to be open to dating others and not be locked in as a gf until you two can be together in person. Hugs.