Why Isn’t He Introducing Me To Anyone Like His Family & Friends?
You like your guy a lot, and then you start to notice a relationship milestone that pops up in your mind like many women encounter when dating men: Why isn’t he introducing me to those close to him?
Before you panic and start asking your boyfriend why he hasn’t introduced you to anyone, you need some relationship advice before a bigger problem develops.
Somewhere in the history of dating men, a woman decided, certainly without any dating tips, that if her man she’s dating isn’t introducing her to his friends, family, and parents, it meant the worst. It meant that he’s not that into her, he’s not going to commit, he’s using her, he’s up to no good, and she’s wasting her time with him.
The cad.
But it could also mean, in the relationship milestone hurdles, that the lack of introduction to his inner circle is NOT a predictor of a break-up to come. It could simply mean that he is a guy.
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In the vast land of Signs He Wants A Relationship, is being introduced to his closest entourage an absolute predictor to your future as a couple?
If you scour the Internet there are lots of advocates of just that.
This article says to break up with him immediately if you’ve confronted him about this topic and he doesn’t take action soon.
I’m sure the author had good protective dating advice intentions for women.
For me, it’s about trusting yourself first and knowing that if your intuition is going off like a five alarm bell, you’ll exit to safety. Or get a relationship coach to hold your hand and drag you out of the fire.
But in the regular fare of life, yes, it’s typical (through societal conditioning) to be cool one day with your boyfriend hunk and then suddenly feel panic that he’s not introducing you or inviting you to family or friends.
One minute you were fine and the next minute you weren’t.
I propose that sudden flip-flopping derives from a victim-expectation that you’ve given meaning to which becomes a requirement from you for him to satisfy.
Sort of like at some point there was no Valentine’s Day, and now there is the business-creation Hallmark Cards/Florist/Chocolates Valentine’s Day to prod women to expect love celebration on February 14.
Your victim-expectation goes: if the bf isn’t bringing the Valentine’s stuff, then-surely-he-doesn’t-love-you. A great boyfriend won’t bite because to do so he agrees that you are going to be a victim if he doesn’t serve up.
If you are okay with the relationship and then out of the blue, and tied to a societal belief that “he should be doing ____,” that sort of pressure on a guy to accommodate your dating milestones isn’t going to feel fair to him.
Please watch my video on this topic here.
I know the urgency of looking for those social-proof signs he’s in a relationship with you to the detriment of all the great things he is doing right.
You may yearn for external signs of validation that the relationship is going somewhere besides Breakupville or Nowheresville as though having those signs were signals from the Universe that this relationship was destined for eternity.
I remember a guy I was dating, and I twisted things so that I could meet his children and afterward…nada. It didn’t change a thing between him and me, and it didn’t end up meaning what I thought my mind had conjured it up to be! We did not progress as a couple.
Let’s go back to that fictitious woman in dating history.
It’s 264 BC of men dating and our protagonist has given great weight to whether her Roman gladiator Brutus is sincere to her as a meaningful wife mate in the first relationship milestone ever.
Amazonia: “Brutus, it cometh to my attention you have deprived me of meeting your gladiator friends. I take this as a sign that you doth have no love for me. Please explaineth yourself.”
Brutus: “Huh? I mean…what sayeth you?”
Amazonia: “You go off with your friends and they don’t knoweth of me, thereforest does this mean I am not of serious consequence in your life to be known to others?”
Brutus: “Amazonia, we are off doing great battles. Most of my gladiator friends die with swords in their lower netherlands. Why bother introducing you to them? What bearing dost that have upon our great love?”
Amazonia: “Well what about your parents? I should meet them so that I can see myself as proper in your eyes. There must be signs you want a relationship.”
Brutus: “My parents are 18 days of riding in a chariot away, and, since the empire is under attack, I must do battle to save me and you which seemeth more important than an excursion to meeteth my parents.”
Amazonia: “But without it you may just be using me like a chamber maid, WHICH I AM NOT!”
Brutus: “You doth protest too much. I must don my armor and leave for work. My chariot awaits for battle.”
There you have it. While your sudden and urgent belief compels you to seek an introduction to all of your guy’s closest folks, it’s easy to dismiss that there is someone else in the mix—him–and his desires!
And he has his opinions and views.
They may differ from yours and are no less valid.
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No one holds the omnipresent view point of what action now ensures a “perfect” future later.
He may not want to put pressure on the relationship, he may dread the drama of his parents, he may fear that one introduction will result in pressure to make babies, he may not even have value for such introductions as he’s anti-Hallmark corporation of drummed up meaning for particular events, he may– 100 other things– none of which means he doesn’t take you seriously.
What you want is your relationship etched in his heart. There is where it matters most.
Now let’s reverse it, and we may find that if your desire for your external acknowledgment were to happen, it would not at all move you up the relationship milestone ladder as you thought. It’s just an event that comes and goes.
Let’s say it’s 4 – 10 months in and you have that snap, that moment that “he should be introducing me because I’m not his chamber maid, I mean hook-up.”
And lo and behold, he invites you to his brother’s wedding.
You feel in. Insider in.
This invite to go as your man’s date has to mean something right?
The wedding ceremony, holding his hand, breathing in that he is sending you a signal of future marriage to you. Ahhh.
Him introducing you to EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE on such a BIG day when you are rocking the LBD. There are his parents, his sister, his brother and new wife, all of his relatives, his college friends, his 3rd grade teacher, his orthodontist from high school, even his ex-post college girlfriend who you vaguely thought was only a friend and now you’re finding out they actually dated for a year but oh well you’re with him now, sister!!
You are looking at the wedding reception napkins and trying to decide if your couple initials will be in gold or silver on your wedding day.
Slow forward to two weeks later.
Something has gone wrong. You didn’t see it coming.
As you look at his face and see his lips moving you hear a broken conversation with word shrapnel landing on your ears as your heart feels a death grip only love can bring…
“…thinking…been unsure…not hurt you…understand…your friendship…timing…”
Yeah, whatever. He just broke up with you.
That is why these relationship milestones mean nothing on a significant spiritual level.
And they don’t mean anything without considering the man.
You may be his walk-off-into-the-sunset-girl.
Don’t make events more important than the quality of his love and how you feel around him.
It’s far better not to get caught up in our expectational minds with a flip-flop moment that’s bringing fear and urgency. And those moments could be expecting Valentine’s gifts, or it means he doesn’t love you. Or if he doesn’t introduce you to his parents it means you’re not significant to him. Or if he doesn’t let you meet his friend that means he’s having an affair. Or if he doesn’t stop what he’s doing to meet you to do something, you dramatically assure yourself and him he has ruined your day.
In those random flip-flop moments where you’re creating an expectation that has “victim” written all over it, here’s what to do:
- Realize it’s all a self-created illusion.
- Realize this is just a conditioned moment and dig in to pull out of it. Creating a story of expectation won’t serve you.
- You may have, spiritually, created the expectation of healing some deep pain so that you can have more love capacity for yourself.
- Feel your judgment and angst over what he’s not doing according to your cute mind and pivot to a better direction.
- Do the thing that you always have in your life that brings you joy such as your pet project, your hobby, your thing that satisfies you.
You are okay. You realize that an external socialized marker such as introductions to your bf’s inner circle may not be what society has it cracked up to be. Instead, it’s all about what’s in his heart and your connection to that love.
And, of course, your love for you.
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I’d love to hear from you below. Have you ever longed for your boyfriend to acknowledge you to others to then have it not feel as you had imagined?
Please share and comment below…
I never met my husband’s parents’ , or any of his siblings. If fact, none of them came to the wedding. I met them a year later after we were married. I met one of his friends and it was because his friend hosted a Christmas party. Another friend I met of his was a doctor, and I saw him a few times with my fiancé at the time, he ditched the friend after his friend told him he was rushing into things too fast with me. I never asked to meet his friends, he just did it. In hindsight, I may suggest meeting the parents before you marry lol! Luckily for us they all live out of state:) It wasn’t a big deal to me at the time since it was about me just being with him.
Hi Terri!
I love this story! What a perfect example of what I was speaking to. You got married and then met the parents. LOL
Thanks for the share!!
Best,
Christine
I am a little worried as it has been 7 months, but that stems more from bad experiences. My last two relationships lasted over a year and I never met the parents. One of them never knew we were together! This time around we are 7 months in and his parents do not know their son is dating. However since we was divorced right as we started dating, I understand it to a point. It is just hard to stop the sorry at times.
Hi Karela,
Hang in there and know that enjoying him is more important. Let things evolve.
Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Best,
Christine
I have not met his family or truly sat down with a friend of his. The closest I’ve gotten to that is that I briefly met a friend of his when he and I were leaving the church parking lot. I had to reach my hand out because he was driving and was kinda upset with me moments earlier. I haven’t met his family because his family depends on him for their retirement.
Amazing advice. You saved me from myself. I’m doing all the milestone b.s. It’s so destructive. I need to stop. Now. Thanks so much.
Hi Melissa and thank you so much! I’m happy to know that I saved a life!!
Hugs,
Christine
Same me too omg thabk god I read this because I’m coming up on 1 year absxwas going to say something to my partner I’ve not met his kids or any of his friends & vice Versa woooo might have scared him away or pressured him if I mentioned something ahhhhhh
Im actually dating this guy for over 8 years now, I’ve been introduced to all his close friends but never his parents. And his parents are extremely chill and dont mind knowing who he is dating. We have been dating since school. I felt extremely bad that I haven’t been introduced to his parents. But after reading this I guess I’m just making it too much of a big deal coz I see my friends being introduced to their bf’s mothers. And it just hits you after that, thanks for the article it really helps 🙂
Hi Mia,
I’m so glad it helped!!
Best,
Christine
OMG Christine! I just realized I’m making a mistake. Maybe I need to pay attention to him more. He is the one I’m going to be with in the end not his parents or friends. It’s hard sometimes but we need to decided on what is more important – recognition or love. Thanks again.
Hi Charlotte,
YEA! That’s what I’m here for … saving one woman at a time! *smile*
Hugs,
Christine
Hi! I was trying to find some help for this dilemma but this post was the closest I could come across… My new boyfriend (of 3 months) and I have been moving pretty quickly, but I am in love and we have known each other for awhile… We just work, and have open communication and respect each other greatly; we are incredibly compatible. That being said, he was invited by a family friend (older adult) to an event, in which the uncle-type figure also invited a girl our age who my boyfriend doesn’t know. Worried that it was a set-up, my bf politely let the friend know that things we’re going great with me so as not to give the wrong impression that he was single; the friend apologized for having given off the impression that it was a set-up, and said that my bf was more than welcome to bring me along. (I know all this because my bf told me; and for the record, I said I’d love to go)… But then I never heard about it again; and I soon realized that my bf didn’t take his parents’ friend up on his offer to include me- instead choosing to go with this other girl and the family friend, leaving me behind. I feel incredibly hurt by this, because I would have been so excited to bring him if the roles were reversed; in fact, I would have done everything in my power to make sure he felt included. And I would have been excited to introduce him to a family friend. Now, if I hadn’t been invited, no big deal, that’s out of my bf’s control. And I have no problem with my bf enjoying fun activities without me- that’s healthy in relationship. But this was a fun event where he was offered to bring me. If he felt weird about the person offering to buy an extra ticket, than he should have explained that to me- or should have offered to buy the ticket himself if it wasn’t too expensive. I just feel hurt because to me it sends the message that I am not important enough to have made an effort to include- and it also sends that message to his family friend/family. If there was anything about the situation that had made my bf uncomfortable (i.e. not wanting to have taken advantage of someone’s generosity), he should have just told me. Because I would never reject an offer for me to bring my bf somewhere, especially if the situation was originally a bit of a set-up with another young person. I’ve acted fairly cool about it, and this aside, everything is going better than ever between us; so I’m hesitant to bring it up. But I also feel that if I don’t vocalize that something is bothering me, than I would feel like a pushover. I think on some level he feels guilty/bad about the situation, which is why he never directly addressed it head on. Again, part of me wishes I could just move on and dismiss it, and be happy for him that he got to go, and continue to see how we evolve. But I also know that I was fairly hurt by this, and to me there is not point to being in a relationship if I can’t be honest with my feelings so that I can at least give him a chance to better communicate in the future.
Do you think it’s ok to let him know how I’m feeling? Do you think there’s any amount of justification for it?
Hi Kyla,
Absolutely tell him your feelings without judging him. Remove all of the “shoulds” from your mind first as to how he should behave. 🙂
Best,
Christine
I found your post refreshing, and it helped me redirect my thoughts. This is an area of struggle for me. (Divorced mom, who has been in a committed relationship for six amazing years! We do not live together, but are rarely apart.)
Have not met my guy’s parents, and sometimes it bugs me. In all fairness to him, he hadn’t met my parents, either until this past weekend. Wasn’t sure what to expect, and it went well. Then, when I was alone with my mother, the conversation turned to . . . now, you just need a ring. UGH! Too much emphasis on marriage and not enough on developing a great, love and trust-filled relationship. We are going at our own pace.
Truly, most people give their unsolicited opinion about our relationship. In the end, its ours to do with as we choose. Maybe one day I’ll meet his parents, maybe not. 😉
What would you say about a woman who has been with her boyfriend for two years and Is 7 months pregnant and his parents don’t have a clue…
They’ll find out soon enough!
Congratulations on the baby!
So relieved that I’m not the only to have gone through this (still going through it) and that I should’ve listened to my intuition. After reading this it has confirmed to me that I was overreacting all along. Over 4 years and never met the mother. Met the father and one of his brothers & brothers wife. Met a cousin of his, and kinda his sister. Never the 1 woman he holds so close to his heart. Thinking “oh it’s been over 4 years maybe he doesn’t love me like he says he does since he hadn’t introduced me” all because of societies standards.
Thanks for sharing!
My situation is a little different. I have 3 very small children, 4,2 and 1. I escaped a very abusive relationship and four months after having settled into a new town I happened to meet someone and we instantly clicked. Because my children are so young it was a little difficult to “date” traditionally and so after many serious conversations about our commitment to each other and how to act around the children etc we decided we would introduce them only after a month at the same time he met my mother as she lives in the basement and occasionally watches the children when we go away for the weekend or none children dates.
I finally met his best friend after 4 months of dating but have yet to meet his parents. I don’t worry about meeting his parents because he is committed to me and to my children. He consistently spends time with me and my children, he even helps with bedtime! He makes sure to spend extra time with the children if they are sick or sad and always answers the phone when we call and texts. He is increasingly involved with me and the kids.
He is also not particularly close to his parents or his sister. He’s divorced nearly 4 years ago after over 13 years of marriage but his ex-wife seems to still be rather close with his mother which I believe is also playing a factor. It’s not easy for anyone to get over or ever get over 13+ years so I am understanding and patient.
Chris, thank you for sharing. I’m so happy you did. You are proof positive that a woman can turn things around and find a great man.
First off, congratulations for exiting an abusive relationship and not putting you or your children through that.
Secondly, you communicated with your new guy about the children–so healthy.
Third, you can see and value that he is committed to you and your children. Meeting his mother will happen, in time, but it’s not “THE” marker.
Lastly, your sharing here inspires everyone with children and young children that they can still meet and date.
Big congratulations and thanks for inspiring others!!
Best,
Christine
I’ve been dating a dad of 2 for 7 months now and he still keeps our relationship a secret from his ex wife & kids. I’m not in a hurry to meet his parents or kids but I’d like for him to at least stop hiding the fact that he is in a relationship. I feel as though he isn’t seeing me in his future by keeping this hidden. The fact that he isn’t sharing this info with his friends & family, is that a red flag? How long should it be before he should be unafraid to say he has a gf??
Hi Leah,
This is a tough one. I’d need more information. He might not want to risk losing the ability to see his kids if his ex would get jealous of you. If he is attentive to you and seems to adore you, I’d give it more time. If he’s only seeing you once in a while for overnights, then it’s a red flag. Does he call you his girlfriend is the other component of this too. Also, how long has he been divorced?
Yes, he calls me his gf and I see him frequently. He’s been divorced for 3 years now. He’s never introduced past gfs to his kids before. I get that he’s cautious and wants to be sure it’ll work out, but sometimes I don’t feel like he’s including me in all parts of his life. I know he doesn’t want anything to jeopardize seeing his kids, but his ex wife has a bf so I really don’t see why she might have an issue. I’m trying to be patient but I want to progress our relationship & move in together. He’s mentioned how he wishes I was there or misses me sometimes when he has his kids but I’m not sure how to tell him it’s time he opened up about us without pressuring him or being disappointed if he disagrees.
Leah it sounds like you have thought this through. It also sounds like your intuition is speaking to you. It’s time to have a conversation with him in a non-emotional way so he feels he can share fully. It’s better to know than not know in terms of feeling disappointed if he “disagrees” as you said. You already are disappointed.
Leah, how did the conversation go? If you want to talk to me, go to my website’s Contact and send that off with your phone number and time zone. I’ll reach out and we’ll talk. I don’t charge for that.
Best,
Christine
It didn’t go as I wanted it to of course :-/ but it wasn’t bad. He said he does see this as long term…but he’s looking to move to another place, without me. He said he’s thought about me meeting his kids for a while now but not quite sure how to go about it, it’ll be soon tthough according to him and soon means sometime next year. I guess I have to continue being patient…
But I still feel like I’ve gotten nowhere really…
Hi Leah,
It would be interesting to know why he needs time. Maybe he’s trying to get through the holidays first. What he told you could be truth or it could be delay tactics. If I were coaching you, I’d push you to start dating other guys. Gives you options. If “your” guy ever discovers you’re dating (not because you forced the topic and not because it’s a secret) a guy will get focused REAL fast. If he wants you that’s when he’ll step up. Then you can decide if you still want him based upon the other (hopefully great) guys you’re dating.
This has helped me so much in realizing that, to an extent, it’s not really about the milestones you go through. Every website and piece of advice I’ve received have been that it is certainly a red flag if you have not met his friends. I’m in high school, so it is not really the same situation, but me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 months. I know who his friends are and all, but I’ve never once hung out with them, nor has he ever talked about getting together with them. I’ve asked him several times but it just hasn’t happened. He says its because he feels that he is just a different kind of person around his friends, and that he is simply afraid that his friends will be weird, or more importantly that he will seem like an obnoxious person, the kind of person that he isn’t with me. This seems completely logical, but there aren’t any red flags here, right?
Hi Sophie,
When any of us are in a relationship (regardless the age) we’re sometimes triggered and our mind gets to wondering. I’d say that given that he’s in high school what he’s saying makes sense. Guys give other guys a hard time about liking a girl, etc. even though they like girls too. It’s a young guy thing. It’s great that he’s aware enough to know that he might come off as a jerk to you if you seem him with his friends. So he’s trying to protect you–which is a good sign. With age, which for a lot of guys is late college age, they sort through how they want to be seen with everyone. If the friends are obnoxious, you don’t want to be around that. I’d say no red flags unless something else comes up for you on a different subject. Thanks for asking and have fun with your guy!
I have been with my bf for a year and I still haven’t met his friends or son. I have met his sister and mum once. He has met my kids and is fully involved in my life but I feel completely shut off from his. He has never introduced anyone to his son and says his son knows about me but he doesn’t feel ready to introduce him yet. When we discuss it he says he understands it should have happened by now but our relationship is so up and down because we argue about this all the time. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but my friends keep telling me I deserve better. I love him so much but can’t seem to let go of this upsetting me so much.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now and only met his closest group of friends once. His ex-girlfriend is included in that circle. We’ve never met. I’ve asked why we haven’t seen them in a while and he would make up excuses. However, I figured out he has seen them a few times over the months but instead told me he is visiting family members. Is this a red flag? Or is he just avoiding an awkward situation for himself?
Hi Lara,
Thanks for sharing! Here’s the deal. Even if your bf is avoiding an awkward situation (in his mind), he’s having to lie to you to pull it off. It never feels good to be close to someone and then discover they have a secret life they keep from you, does it?
Hugs,
Christine
No, it does not feel good at all. It has eroded the trust I have in him. He vehemently denies seeing them despite my pointing out some damning evidence. It’s difficult to believe that things were purely coincidental. It’s helpful to hear this from a outsider’s view. Thank you
I have been dating a 46 yr old guy for 7.5 months. Im 12 yrs younger. He only haa two or three close friends who are all supposedly unhappily married and have kids. He has never introduced me to them but he also doesn’t hang out with them much but I feel he could set up a double date of some sort since I have commmunicated that I want to meet them. He also has two sisters that he is very close to and hangs out with them often and talls to them every day, never met them either or even heard him talk to them in front of me.
We both have very hectic work schedules and only see each other once a week either Friday or Saturday night. Sometimes every other week. I told him I’d like to be able to spend one night a week together, even if we r both tired and just relax but that’s yet to happen. The couple of times that I asked if he wants to grab a bite, he said no, he is tired and wants to rest and sleep early.
I hv invited him to have dinner with my friends, my cousin, bday dinner at my friends- and he has declined.
His office staff don’t know I’m his girlfriend. The only people he introduced me to as his girlfriend are his contractors that are helping me with my home remodel.
He is kind, calls or texts me at least once a day, has told me he loves me but that is the extend of it. I feel at this age, I should be able to be comfortable enough to want to spend a week night with someone Im getting to know more to see how we can be together when tired and if we can comfort each other, right?
Or I’d like to see us in a social setting to see how we each behave and interact with other people. I am getting very emotionally attached and don’t want to get hurt nor waste time if we wont be compatible during normal life circumstances.
He’s never been married and I been divorced. I tried to have a conversation with him but he is great at changing the subject and never gives me a straight answer on any of above mentioned that r important to me but dont seem Signifucant to him. I dont want to push him away and lose him, at the same time I feel that I want more out of the relationship and don’t know what to do…
Hi Maggie,
There is a natural progression towards “more” as a couple as time goes by. AT 7.5 months, it would feel natural to have a weeknight together. Your intuition is correct.
Best,
Christine
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six years now.. I feel terribly sorry for myself for having met him…W e moved in together while still in college 5 years ago…after college he got a job and we live together. .I’ve never met any closest relative ,he’s never introduced me to his parents.This festive season he’s gone to his parents home leaving me alone in the house.I was expecting a baby but lost it due to miscarriage. I’m thinking to quit this relationship ’cause it’s derived all my energy.I believe he’s not ready for marriage or maybe he still wants the freedom to date random girls.
Hi Ruth,
First of all, I’m so sorry about the miscarriage of the baby. That is a tough one.
I read the other day how a guy grew closer to his mate when they went through a miscarriage. I think it tells a lot about a man if he is there for you in the most difficult of times.
I’m glad I have read this article. I’m not the only one have been through these feelings.
I have been dating my bf for 13 months. He is an American in China and I’m Chinese. In the very beginning when we met he seemed want to spend as much time with me as possible. He asked my opinion when he moved to new apartment as he thinks I would visit him a lot. We also traveled a lot. But he never talks about future. And only prepare flowers and chocolate for those BIG moments like anniversary, my birthday.. I noticed that sometimes he says one thing but does another. Like he brought his mom some gift but never mailed it out for some reason. He said he’d prepare me a surprise but ended up nothing happened.. I don’t want to hurt his feelings as he did prepare flowers and chocolate.. The thing is I can’t feel secure. He rarely shares anything in his personal life on social media. Also ignored the friend request of my friend on Facebook… Recently he seems only focuses on his work rather than spending time with me. In this festive season he is just very sad that he is alone in China, I have tried my best to cheer him up, brought him gift and try to create some festival atmosphere for him. But he still seems not interested in any of that. He says that only makes him even sadder.
There’s one morning he would like to make a call with his family in The States, I noticed that he didn’t want me to be there while he making the call. He says that’d be crazy if they saw a woman in his bed. Actually I was upset when he said that. So I asked very carefully that if he tells his family about us. He said yes (which I don’t believe). So I say I wouldn’t say anything while you are talking with your family. He just said he’d make the call later. I was upset but didn’t want to seem needy so I left.
I don’t know how to understand this kind of situation. He makes me feel like I’m just someone he spend free time before he going back to his home town. Every time when I asked anything about future, he would only say ‘I’m here with you right now.’ So I really don’t know if this is just culture difference or something. How can I get to know where the relationship is heading?
Hi Yj, Well I can tell you this isn’t a cultural difference. This is how men are when the woman is noticing too much of what the guy isn’t doing. Change your focus. This is how you wake his Boyfriend Brain back up. Only see what he does right for a week and write back. It’s going to be hard, but train your mind. Also, culturally in China, you are conditioned to give, give, give. Don’t give him words, gifts, anything. Just notice what he’s doing right.
Best, Christine
Hi Christine,
Happy new year!
Thanks for your reply. It’s helpful. You’re right about ‘give give give’. Sometimes I think I did too much. Like worried things for him, plan everything for the trip.. I feel upset when he didn’t join the plan with me but he never seems demand for anything. I’m trying to stop myself doing that.
We went for the new year trip to Japan during the holiday. Although we had the terrible fight before leaving, he was upset about Christmas stuff like that.. We had good time during the trip.
I’m trying to follow what you said- focus on what he did. Ithelps me feel better. He bought me gifts in the trip because I bought him very good Christmas gift. He paid a lot attention on me in the trip.. It’s a short trip. He was happy in the trip. So was I.
There’s one thing I realized is that there’s nothing changed but my feelings. My expectations have changed and improved. He is the same person. But I don’t know if I should be happy or upset about this fact.
He doesn’t like living here but he just has to earn money I guess. He always says that he can’t stay here any more, which makes me very insecure. He’s going back to the states for about a month after March. But he never mention anything about introducing me to his family. I don’t know even he would come back. He uses FB but never mentions me or any other relationships. When I asked why he doesn’t post any personal life (things like our trip) on FB, he says that’s stupid, like teenagers. But I just feel he’s leaving himself other choices by hiding this.
During the trip I felt that he and I were so different. Even he bought me things, spent time with me, I still don’t feel he needs me. He had his plan in his mind but he would never tell me. When it comes to ‘long term’ relationship, I don’t feel we are on the same page. And I don’t know how to express my feelings without sounding complaining or sad.
We had chance to talk about it but there’s no result. I was offered an opportunity to relocate to other cities. I asked about his opinion he just said that he hopes me to do what is good for myself and don’t make decision base on him because he’s stupid. This was exactly what he said. sometimes he sees himself very low. At that moment I felt there’s no future about us in his plan, even he said he loves me..If imhe truely does, he wouldn’t not say anything about future… Is my intuition right? Should I leave him?
Thank you,
YJ
Hi YJ, Unless I’m doing one-on-one coaching with you and know many more details it would be difficult to answer your questions. But my hunch is he translates
your disappointments in him as (maybe) that he’s stupid. Like he’s not doing the relationship right. Try not to have future expectations (don’t focus on how
hard it is). Live in the moment and enjoy him more than you worry about your feelings if he leaves. Avoid living in the future…it hasn’t happened.
Best,
Christine
Hi Christine!
I have been struggling in my relationship with my man….We have have been together 4 years. We both were married 25 years and got through all the divorce issues. As we approach year 5, I still have not met his children. they are 19 and 15. When i bring up this issue , he gets extremely mad and usually leaves the room yelling. I dont want to give him an ultimatum , thats just not me. But I am feeling if I was worthy to him, he would not only be able to discuss this topic on a semi calm level but also introduce me to them. He did mention at one point that his reason was to protect them from the ex’s mental state once she found out they had met me. I fell for that at first…accepted that. That was two years ago! They know about me, dont want to meet me, due to their mother filling their head w negative and false accusations of our relationship. Needless to say, he had a messy divorce , mine was smooth. Btw, he has met my entire family, kids , grandkids and even been around my ex at family events. Otherwise, he shows me on many levels that he loves and adores me, we talk about a future , and I have met everyone else in his circle, including his mother and siblings. He says “I want you to be my girl forever”…etc.. So basically I remain in a state of confusion most of the time.
I Love all of your advice, makes so much sense. Yet, I cant seem to calm my gut on this one issue that would allow me to relax with him. This is a comment he makes frequently…..”Please just relax and enjoy what we have”. Why do I need this validation and I am being unreasonable?
Noelle
Hi Noelle,
You did an awesome job of recapping your situation. It’s good to hear that he overall adores you and behaves that way. I agree, it would be ideal if he discussed the topic in a calm way. It sounds like he is triggered on this topic and whenever any of us get triggered, we become irrational. It also sounds like he’s protecting his relationship with his kids. Here’s something to try and see if it shifts for you: tell yourself he doesn’t owe you an introduction. Walk around with that for a few days and see if you feel differently. Let me know.
Best,
Christine
Dating my bf for 3 months now. He has invited me to 2 weekends road trips with his friends twice, which both time I refused (he told me pretty late and or I couldn’t make it.)
However, other than that, he has never told to any friends or family on our status (Nor have I seen them). He said he doesn’t know how to approach the topic so randomly and no one has really asked him about his current status.
Just wondering, is he hiding me from the world, but if so.. why did he invite me to the trip if there is a chance for me to say yes. If I went, is he going to introduce me as his gf?
Hi Connie,
Three months is too soon for a guy to broadcast to the world. Give it more time and see if he treats you right.
Best,
Christine
Hello,
I really liked your article! I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, I’ve met all his family and it went well. But he will never take me around his friends or to be events. Ever. I been out a few times with his guys friends in the first year. But he recently with away for 3 days and didn’t invite me and waits until his back to say sorry. It was his bday yesterday and he ditched me after lunch to go be with his friends and lied to me saying he’d see me but then ignored my calls. He says he’ll try harder but I’m at a loss to whether I should stay and just deal with it in hope he will invite me one day. I don’t mind if he’s having a boys night but when it’s an event and guys n girls are there why can’t I come ?? I feel like his embarrassed of me and it’s getting me down. He doesn’t say much when I try and talk to him. He is 25 and I’m 33…. don’t know if I should just break it off now as it’s been 2 years and nothing. I love him soooo much but deserve better 🙁
Hi Linda,
Oooh. This is one of those situations that one on one coaching would clue me into more details that then I could say exactly what is going on. Age isn’t an issue or he wouldn’t have let you meet his family. Is it possible that he’s embarrassed about his friends (thinking they are immature) and you might dump him?
Hello,
I have been dating a man for two years. We see each other regularly (3-4 times a week). We have gone away together for numerous weekends in addition to 3 overseas vacations. We are both divorced. I have met his children (both late 20’s) and his sister and a couple of his male friends that live out of town however I have not met any of his local friends. I have introduced him to mine and we have socialized with them. I have asked to meet his friends on numerous occasions but he says it’s never the right time; he has a group of friends that are male and female. This has bothered me for quite some time and I can’t seem to get past it. The relationship is good in all other areas but this missing piece has me on the verge of walking away. Please advise.
Hi Sarah, Do you want to be married again? Does he? If yes and yes, does he talk about getting married and “your future together?”
Due to the terms of my previous marriage I am unable to cohabitate or marry for 10 years. He is aware of this and accepts it.
Wow. You need a better lawyer.
This is the best thing I could’ve read ever. My man has been telling me that his family is awful, his parents are so weird, even to the point that a mutual family friend (the nicest guy in the world who’d not only grew up across the street from them and who’d never make this up) said, “ew. his parents are weird.” and shivered. Yet for all of this protest, I’ve been feeling inadequate. Also because I’ve been feeling inadequate in comparison to his ex-wife who got to be too much of their lives to my bf’s detriment. On the outside, it does sound fishy but why should it? Why can’t I just believe him? He’s given me no evidence that he’s up to something. He’s been quite generous. It IS my needing it. Reading this, you wrote, “fulfilling some unmet need of your own,” so-to-speak, and hit me like a freight train. It TOTALLY IS! It’s me and society telling me that I’m less than because of some marked chit on a checklist. I know he loves me. I know he loves me more genuinely than he has anyone and yet I set myself up to be shut down. It has challenged my ability to enjoy the loving relationship he does offer me.
This has been a wake up call. Thank you. The fact that I was Googling this topic at 2am pretty much proves whose problem this is and it isn’t his.
Thank you so much!!
Helloooo Mo! You get it. Thank you.
So often in life, we conjure up some societal group-think checkpoint that is nuts. You caught yourself, and now you can stay in the state of love instead of conspiracy. Much better for the spirit.
Best, Christine
Hi Christine
Your article is incredibly helpful, thank you!
I’ve been in a relationship almost 3 years and the last two have been turmoil! Many highs and more lows!
Although I met friends and family maybe 12 or more times in the first 9 months, even invited to an overseas trip with some friends but I didnt go. He got some anxiety from a work situation and begun fighting a lot with me. A lot on negative thoughts then about what we mean to each other. And worrying about the future.
In any event, the end of 1.5 years he needed a break. Over the festive season. We had two further breaks. Since that time hes stipulated the frequency of our catch ups and also made innumerable excuses for me to not be there with his family and friends. He didnt come to my birthday last year and spent it at home because wed had an argument two days before. He needed time alone. He again didnt see my family or allow me to see his for Xmas as he was so anxious about Xmas. Hes now going to meet his best friends baby and hes worried about the mother not being put out so hasnt even asked if I can come – I’m not invited. He always has an excuse – he says we’ll go next weekend. Needless to say the same thing happened in December and we still havent seen his family.
I broke up with him by texting his mum and him in December because he didnt organise for me to see his family when I’d asked that at the beginning of the year. The idea of ending a year with no progress, and still feeling excluded, made me tell his mum I couldnt be with him anymore. He always convinces me that we can improve and that our love and respect for each other will see us through. So we’re together again.
Despite this, all of this upsets me so much and I’m introspective enough to know our communication issues and fighting has likely put uncertainty or doubt in our relationship from his end and we’re slow to rebuild that. I also know I’m trying to replace a poor childhood with someone else’s family. We share this with each other and we each are trying to work through it and he is too by slowly, inviting me to things, acclimatising himself to situations that wont be stressful or anxiety fuelled for him. But now theyre anxiety fuelled for me! But the truth is its now almost two years and its a constant needling battle.
Ive raised that despite our love for one another this lack of planning and coexisting with our lives is just existing in a bubble. It is difficult as although its what he wants its not what I want and not even reality! I am holding out for us to move in together this year so that I can see him every day without him making an excuse and for one day when we have a family as I hope I wont put so much pressure on us then. He has always said im a part of his life and he doesnt see it any other way but I’ll be invited to things.
Hes agreed to see a psychologist and at the moment its just that he doesnt think this stuff is as important as me.
I feel like I’m riding a the same rollercoaster of emotions and let downs for the last two years. In private hes respectful and the most supportive person Ive ever known and met. We teach each other so much and grow as people. When it comes to public situations, we are two separate entities.
I know he loves me but my response has been that alone love isnt enough, is it?
ST
Hi ST, This is a long and entrenched relationship.
You already know the answer to your question.
I think you, like other women, need ongoing support to navigate through romances such as these as they are complicated.
I’m recommending this: https://courses.christinerichhanson.com/p/christine-rich-monthly-email-coaching/
But only while it lasts.
Hi I do worry that my bf of almost 3 yeaars is putting the blame onme. I did meet his parents, after 9 months and it allhad to come from me. Now I found out he has not told his work that I am his gf. They think he is single still. I know everything of his workmates and I do not think there is a girl there that he likes, but he says he always found it difficult to tell people about his personal stuff and he does not know how to put in into conversations, but I do not really understand and he is baffled and a bit taken back by my problem with it. Now it seems to go all about my issues with it and not giving him time, but I still feel kept secret and on a backburner. I do not know what to do. He is 9 y younger and I have 2 kids, that is also somethinghe fellt difficult to talk about to other people. I feel really lost . He says he loves me and wants to be only with me, but why do I feel like it is now my problem?
Hi! My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 11 months now and I haven’t met any of his friends or family. He says he’s a private person. I am too but he doesn’t want to be friends with me on social media either I don’t know if he thinks I’m gonna do something to indicate that we’re dating. I sent him a friend request on Facebook and he didn’t accept. He saw it but he just ignored it. He doesn’t want to be seen with me anywhere he thinks his friends might be. He ignores my calls and texts sometimes and doesn’t even call back later. He’s all lovey dovey when I’m with him but when I’m not he acts so distant like he does not wanna talk to me and when I confront me he says I act like that. He told me that he does not want to use my pictures as his what’sapp profile picture because people are gonna ask him a lot of questions.I saw a text he sent to a girl saying he’ll always love her but when I confronted him he told me he was just friends with her and that I should ignore that because he loves only me. Yet he told me he won’t get hurt if I leave him. He keeps on insisting that he wants to marry me. What should I do because I get really confused. Normally I would tell a girl in my position to walk away but when it’s me I just don’t want to. I love him too much. Talking to him about it only makes us argue all the time
Augusta, Breathe. He loves you. He’s alpha. I find that women with a good man might blow it because they misread signals. Check this here: https://courses.christinerichhanson.com/p/monthly-email-coaching
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
And thank you for thanking me. It’s sometimes a rare thing on the Internet.
Thank you so much for this insightful article. I had just recently ended my 6 month relationship because he still wasnt ready for me to meet his family. I took it as a sign that i didnt matter very much to him and that we were headed nowhere. I was broken hearted because aside from that, the other aspects of our relationship were pretty great. This article helped me understand that i was focusing on the wrong thing and succumbing to society’s view of what ‘normal’ relationship progression should look like. Thanks to you..we are now back together with no pressure to meet certain ‘milestones’ and honestly it feels great!!
Thanks Natasha. Happy to have been of service!
Thank you Christine for this great article!!
I’ve been with my BF for 15 months, hes awesome, always there for me, always initiate calls or texts daily, we communicante a lot about the good and the bad, hes making efforts when i complain about some things and he is always the one reaching out and calling me right after a fight to calm things, but there is one thing that i don’t understand.
We had more fights lately because after all this time i still havent met any of his friends. Everyone knows we are dating but i only met his mom twice, and one uncle. ( it went well ) .
He told me his friends asks about me and about when he will introduce me, he even told me his sister said he should invite me at their home ( he is 27 but due to some family situation he still lives with Them)but he says he is not ready yet and that he wants the relashionship to he perfect ( means No fights and No complains from me) and i dont get it, i usually get upset when we talk about it, because i feel like he is ashamed of me and wants to keep me out of his life.
We struggle to see each other a lot due to out two demanding jobs but we try to stick to one date during the week and one during the weekend.
I feel like hes a really good Guy but maybe he doesnt want to commit ( i am not putting any pressure on him as i also like to have my independance) or maybe he doesnt love me and lies when he says he wants to have a life with me?
I was thinking about ending things between us because i feel like he hides me but i would really love to have your Advices.
Thank you for reading my long message 🙂
Hi Rachel,
If he’s saying he wants a future with you he does. See what happens if you don’t get upset about not meeting his friends. It could be a guy-test.
Thank you for your answer Christine i will try to do that!
But why would he do that? I mean, what kind of test would it be? ( im sorry im having a hard time thinking like a man :s )
Thanks again for the great advices and the great job to help us 🙂
Thanks Rachel. It’s too much to get into here. I’d recommend my monthly email coaching (if you’re serious) to get to the bottom of it. You can’t keep going to the doctor to hear what’s wrong without ever wanting to get treated. Your choice.
I have been dating a man for eight months. We are older 50’s and 60’s. He recently had a 30+ year marriage end. I feel we both care about each other and are emotionally connected on so many levels. When we out together in public we are very affectionate with each other. However, I have introduced to him to my children, my family and my friends. I have yet to meet any of his kids or any person in his life. We never spend the night together and he is not very flexible on when we can see each other. We both have very busy lives but sometimes I wish I could see him “just because”. He has been very sweet and is a good friend but I feel it is always on his terms. When I try and express my disappointment he talks about how he is still trying to come to grips with his marriage ending and that he has been in committed relationships his entire adult life. My 26+ year marriage ended 10 years ago so I can relate to how he feels however I am now in a place that I am looking for a long term relationship and/or life partner. I do not want to lose him as a friend but we have a strong romantic attraction to each other as well. I have plenty of opportunity to date other men but that is not where my heart is at. It’s a roller coaster ride of pure joy and comfort and on some days extreme unhappiness because I have found what I can’t have on a relationship level. Any advice moving forward?
Hi Tracy,
You wrote: “He has been very sweet and is a good friend but I feel it is always on his terms.”
You’re not listening. You want things on your terms. Thus the stand-off.
After I read what I wrote I came to the same conclusion and am in the process of moving on to look for a healthier relationship. It is difficult to lose such a good friend however at my age my terms needs to be addressed too. Thanks for your input.
Hi Christine,
Met my current boyfriend online. I have never been married while my boyfriend has been divorce for two years. He met my family and close friends but never introduced to his family and friends. I did ask him when will I meet at his friends and parents. He responded “I don’t know”We ran into his co worker and he introduced me as his friend. I told him I was upset that I was introduced as his friend. Am I wasting my time with him. I am 45 years old and I want to settle down.
Hi Char,
I don’t know how long you’ve been dating, how often you see each other, how he treats you, etc.
Hi Christine,
Thank you for replying. We have been dating for two years. I met him online while he was finalizing his divorce. I was weary about dating a divorcee since I didn’t want to be the rebound girlfriend. Before become exclusive I did ask him about it and if he was ready for another serious relationship and his response was yes.For a year one I have been spending my weekends at his place. He does treat me well. He respects me. Lately, he seems like he is getting bored with me especially when we go out to eat..he doesn’t say much but he is usually the quiet time. PDA is almost not existence after one year into the relationship. PDA is just at the movies and in private. We talk on the phone about twice a week but I do most of the talking since he doesn’t say much. Also, he doesn’t make any plans and usually ask me what is the plan for the weekend. I don’t know…I feel like I putting more effort into the relationship. I did ask him if we have a future together and his response”Well, I’m with you”My best friend said his response is a safe answer. Should I have the talk and ask him where the relationship is going and goal? As I said earlier, I don’t want to waste my time on a relationship that is going nowhere. Two years is a long time.
Hi Char, The shift in your relationship is that you’ve lost your Boyfriend Appeal by living in masculine energy and pushing him away from what he used to do with you. You don’t know you’re doing it, but to a professional coach like me, I see all the effects are there.
Hi Christine,
Don’t understand what you mean. Can you clarify about losing your Boyfriend appeal by leaving in masculine energy. What do you suggest I do?
Hi Char,
It will take more than this comment field to break it down for you. “What do I suggest you do?” Join my 30-day email coaching. One-on-one, you and me.
Hi Christine,
All the above comments and your responses have been extremely insightful and useful.
I have been dating a 39 year old man for 10 months now, separated from his wife of almost 10 years. They have not been living together for almost a year, but I know they are still in contact with each other and are talking about divorce. However, one weekend his sister came to visit with her husband and son who is 4 years old. He hid the fact that his wife attended the lunch until I guessed it had happened at which point he owned up. I understand that she has been in his family’s life for a long time, and is very fond of the little boy and vice versa. He said he hid it from me as he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But it still hurts. What made me feel slightly better is that his sister did explain to her son that the man I am seeing, and his wife, live in separate places.
Do I have a right to be angry about the above? It’s one thing to not be introduced, but to have the (hopefully soon to be) wife attend lunch…should I be worried?
Hi CP,
I’m not a fan of dating a married man (separated means little) unless the wife walks up to you and says, “Glad you two are dating.” The luncheon type situations will continue and yes, you’ll feel hurt. “Should you be worried?” You betcha… worried that you are going out with a married man. No matter how you slice and dice it, he’s taken. He can’t be with you fully. That right there would make many a woman angry. I get my coaching clients to be no man’s fool, but rather to be a loved woman in romance.
Hugs to you.
Evening Christine,
Ive been dating my bf for 7 months but exclusive for 3 months. He is 53 and has 3 grown kids early 30 and had been married 2 times. He does have a son living at home with him. So i understand that. I’m 39 never been married and i have no kids. We live 2 hours apart. So we talk and text daily and try to see each other every other weekend. We always meet out when i go see him and when he comes to see me he comes to my home. At 6 months i asked him about being exclusive. He said, i thought we were. I was like, i missed that conversation. We talked briefly about if we were seeing other people and we both said no months ago. I didn’t take it to mean exclusivity. I was happy about that. I asked him also about meeting his family and friends. He said in the future …. soon. So i joked with him and said i’m not going to rob you…. and you could be living another life i wouldn’t know. He said, i know you won’t rob me and it’s nothing like that, living another life. So i left it at that because i didn’t want to push it. I would only meet 1 of his kids (30 yrs) and a friend. I told him he could meet my family anytime. Since he is not ready for me to meet his family then im not setting up anything for him to meet mine. Then that’s all i think about and now i’m wondering if i should give him 6 months to make it happen and address that issue again. Also see if he sees a future for us. He knew in the beginning that i wanted to be married and have a kid. I gave him an out early while dating because if i was him, i wouldn’t want to start over again but he wanted to continue seeing me. i plan to find out what he wants exactly or i walk away if there is no plan. I don’t want to be in limbo. He hasn’t said i love you. I haven’t said it either but i have told him i like him a lot and i care about him. He has told me he likes me too. Sometimes i feel like going with the flow and say i love him and whatever happens happens but then i start to think, he hasn’t introduced me to anyone and i feel like i need more or at least find out how he feels before i take that leap. Then i think about if i make that leap then i need to be sure that i do love him and i want more.
I just don’t know anymore… 13 years we’ve been dating. I’ve met the parents once as a “work friend” but we had been dating for 4 years.
We used to hang out at his sisters regularly, we broke up for about 4 months then got back together. We’ve been back together for over 18 months now & I’ve not seen any of his family at all. ZERO.
I regularly invite him to my family functions eg. A beach bbq etc but he’s aaaalways busy doing something else & I’m definitely never invited to any of his family things… I don’t even get an invite to his birthday lunch.
So incredibly frustrating that this is going nowhere. I’m always on the outside looking in… any suggestions?
Hi Rachel,
Accept you are a full gf or break up and find yourself a real full time bf who treats you right. Hugs, Christine
I just found your article, although I see it was posted last fall. I (41) met a man (32) a year ago, and we very casually hung out. We were always in public, on all-day hikes or dinner. Whenever I suggested we watch a movie at his house, he would freak out. So, I stopped and kept things as “just friends” even though he communicated with me multiple times a day. I did meet his cousin, who he is very close to.
Fast forward 7 months, and he confesses that he has 2 young children (6 and 7). Nearly daily communication and I never knew. He got an annulment from his wife 2 years ago and the children are with him full time. So, that explained why he did not want me coming over.
Fast forward 3 months, and he claims he likes me, a lot, I’m perfect, and we actually start dating. However, because of his children, I can only “sneak” over once a week as he has to find some place for the kids. We sometimes have dates out, dinner, a show, and he cooks wonderful meals. When I am with him I feel very special.
I realize we have technically only been “dating” two months, but I have invested a year in this person. I can only see him once a week. I understand this, but because he is not someone I just met, I mention meeting his children so that we can spend more time together. He is absolutely terrified of me meeting his children. He says they are all that he has, and they have never seen him with a woman (his wife was mostly absent after the second child was born).
So, I am on board with the “don’t worry about milestones,” but I think every situation is different. I am not worried about not meeting his parents, because his mother had a stroke and is no longer the woman he remembers. However, not meeting his young children seriously is starting to make me feel like the one-night-a-week booty call since he doesn’t even want to consider the possibility of me meeting them.
Hi Maddy, He seems skitterish for relationships full time and he’s all in with his kids. I don’t disagree with him not wanting you to meet his kids after dating for only 2 months. (knowing him doesn’t count) Don’t drag the kids through that meeting and bonding until you’re both sure of each other. Hugs, Christine
Hello
I’ve been dating my partner for 4 years now. We have recently broke up because I feel like our relationship is at a stand still. I haven’t met anyone in his family or friends. He has a 7 year old that I’m ready to meet but he won’t bring her around cause he said she is not ready. He has been around my kids. I think what’s bothering me is that the child ask questions like “dad why don’t you stay with us” and instead of him having an age appropriate conversation with her, he tells her because it’s no room. I would think that would be confusing her more. It all sounds like excuses to me. Meeting his parents or daughter don’t make or break my relationship but I want more and he can’t give it to me right now. We work together but we live 45mins -hour away from each other and I’m ready to be closer because I love him so much and want to be around him but it seems like he don’t want the same.
Hi Javonte,
I agree your relationship is at a stand still. If after a few months he doesn’t want to introduce you to the world, it’s a no-go. Then you end up in a relationship that drags on looking vaguely like a relationship, but it’s not.
Hi..
I’m Sassy…iv been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years now.. wen we met he was married an had problems eventually dey broke up wt a wife..we #hv a problems his all like he don’t like my frnds.an vry bossy..doesnt want me to go to parties.yet one day he went to report to my granny abt me partying.now my whole family knows in saying him an my son..bt wth him nobody knws me in his family..i ask him he keep saying right time wil come.yet it 3 yrs.i ask him wen is right time.an he do it get jealousy wt everythng I do even watsup status an pics.he keep telling me he don’t trust me.yet iv cought cheating wt 9 girls I forgive him again at other girls…im confused dnt one wat to do…his vry helpfull fanincial i talk he’s do rice him plz help..im confused if should I leave him coz he seems to b wasting my time.none stop. An move on
If he’s cheated on you with 9 girls, you need to drop him Sassy and find a decent guy.
Christine I loved what you had to say! Maybe you can help me?
What if we’re talking about, been talking about it & I’ve made it clear it’s important to me to even just casually meet ANYONE in his life. It’s been almost 2 years of serious dating and I’ve introduced him to my friends, closest inner circle, && my parents. Yet still nothing.
He makes comments when we fight like “if you didn’t act like such a hot head maybe I would’ve felt comfortable bringing you around my friends!” Almost like the progression of our relationtion is contingetnt on my behavior.
How can I explain to him that I need some sort of validation? Or do I?
Hi Maddy,
Two years and he hasn’t introduced you to anyone is not a great sign. It’s healthy to look into ways to communicate with him without going into fight mode. Good skills for life, too. But it’s never good to feel you’re walking on egg shells to be perfect enough to get what you want in a relationship. Take five steps back are reassess or, even better, get coaching. It helps to see areas you’re in denial over for fast turnarounds. Hugs, Christine
Hi, I’ve got a significant other and he introduced me to his parents and all and I see them always and say hi. But I haven’t really met any of his friends yet and when we see them in the street he introduces us but he doesn’t say I’m his girlfriend. Rather he says “hey Loz, good to see you” then chats and sometimes will say “this is Sophie” but no mention of me being his girlfriend. Sometimes he doesn’t even introduce me at all and I just stand there and it feels like he could be embarrassed of having people know we’re dating. I haven’t met any of his close friends and it drives my mind wild a little. We haven’t mad either it social media official either. It’s just without that feeling of security when there’s any minor shift in how he’s acting I can’t help but to worry. I have EXTREME anxiety as well and the idea that I’m not known as his girlfriend bugs me a little as he talks to many other women (as friends) and it just bugs me that it’s not solidified.
He uses Snapchat with me and I see his score rising when talking to other people too and I guess it worries me more because other people don’t know about him and I.
Recently he has also become a lot more distance (he had a “week to himself” because he had things to deal with and explained very very briefly what they were) but has been a little distant ever since.
I’d very much like to know if I’m overthinking things or if you think there’s an actual reason to worry?
Hi Cassidy,
I wish I knew how long you two have dated. Definitely you’re in your head and that’s no place good for us women. That leads to conspiracy theories and digital spying. Better to relax, feel all of this and then you can see how you feel with the bf. It sounds like you feel anxious and that’s not a relationship that’s working for you. Talking, talking, talking gets you nowhere with a guy. Talking strategically does. (get coaching) The only option is to get back into your life, avoid thinking of him, texting, calling or stopping by and see if he comes to his senses. He’s not going to want you pressed up against him worrying. He MAY want you if you do a 180 degree walk away from him for 2-3 weeks. If you don’t hear from him, there’s your answer. And when you walk, go start dating other guys. Because unless he’s standing there saying you’re the one, you’re not.
I’m 55, dating a 59 year old man who’s been divorced for 20 years. A few term relationships in his past (engaged to the last one). I’ve only been divorced for three years. He’s met my youngest son who is 17 and briefly said hello to my mother at a show we were both at. We’ve been together 10 months and none of his family ( mother, grown son and daughter) know I exist even though we spend every Friday-Sunday together (at his place). He lives 2 hours away and I’m beginning to think he’s never going to let them know we’re dating. When he comes here it’s only for a few hours and he constantly worries one of his family members will need him. When we’re at his house its like were married. I help out on his 6 acre piece of land, we do errands, clean house, and go out with his friends but if he talks to his family while I’m there he always says “I’m doing…” whatever it is WE’RE doing. Really hurts my feelings. I brought it up once and he said he’s had a lot of bad luck with women and doesn’t want a lot of questions. He refuses to meet my other son who is grown. Says he’s scared. Given our ages doesn’t this seem ridiculous?
Hi Lynne,
Yes, to stand there and hear him take a call with family and pretend you don’t exist feels weird and disrespectful. Just because he’s 59 doesn’t mean he’s matured. Him introducing you to his family though doesn’t advance the relationship one bit, but, it’s a natural progression. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. And, take a look if you enjoy the 2-hr long distance.
Hi Christine, I’m so glad I read your article! I have only been in unhealthy relationships, the last one being an abusive marriage. Recently I met a man that makes me laugh and seems to want the same things as me. We have been dating 2 months and I’ve started to get worried about why he hasn’t introduced me to his friends or anyone in his life yet- if he was hiding me or keeping me a secret or embarrassed for some reason. I told him last night it would be cool to meet his friends and it would help me know him better (and make sure I don’t make the same mistake as last time!). He said he’d introduce me to one friend at some stage and agreed about the getting to know him better comment. I know people often chose friends who are similar to them- my exes friends weren’t nice people but I didn’t make the connection that this could indicate my ex husband would become abusive. I realise now I should probably give it at least a couple more months before I bring up the topic of his friends again….it has only been 8 weeks and I don’t want to scare him off! My previous relationships all moved super quickly (another indicator of possible future abuse). As you said in your article is women often start to freak out that our partners may not be wanting to commit. I would love to hear your thoughts on my situation!! Hannah
Hi Hannah,
Yes, we get to know a person through experience and other people. But some people have an acquaintance friend(s) that aren’t representative of their character. Two months is too soon to pressure him for anything. Just date and observe how he’s showing up… at least until 3 to 4 months in. And… don’t date with your past in your present. Let it stay in the past. Trust you can take care of yourself if need be. From your comment(s) I’d strongly suggest my 30 day one on one (you and me) email coaching. It’s a game changer when dating. I help you avoid the pitfalls of the past. Click here: https://courses.christinerichhanson.com/p/monthly-email-coaching
Hugs,
Christine
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half. We are both divorced and have kids but his are grown.
He is wonderful when we are together 🙂 He does talk about our future together and says he’s going to marry me. He informally asked me but says he has a plan to give me the ring in a special way.
We both belong to a large volunteer organization of thousands of people. They all know we’re a couple and getting married. Everyone from his work knows me and he takes me to events and is proud to show me off.
However…not only have I not met his family or close friends, they don’t know I exist. He doesn’t want me to post anything on FB so they don’t know. He is terrified when posts of us may become public on websites. He now lets me post pics of us together on FB only if they are private to just my friends.
I’ve asked him to at least tell his family, his kids, and friends about me. I don’t really need to meet them anytime soon, but I want them to know he’s in a committed relationship. He gets really upset very fast and has threatened to break-up if I mention it. He says he’s not ready and I’m pressuring him. I’m not, I’m just curious to the reason why. His kids are grown, 24,26,28. His ex-wife (divorced 9 years) does know about me and she’s supportive. His daughter is getting married next year and I’m afraid I won’t be allowed to come because he’s still hiding me.
My family and kids have met him and love him.
I read your article, but does it still pertain to them not knowing I exist? I’m so confused.
Hi Marie,
Wow, this is an odd one. For a guy to talk marriage but then hide you from his kids and family–but not his ex is highly unusual. So you have to go off of his words that “You’re pressuring him.” Go 180 degrees the other way. No mention of introductions. Set a time for yourself and him thru discussion… “I’ll not mention an introduction at all. What date do you think you’ll be ready to introduce me?” Then if you agree with that date, go no-pressure. On the deadline, remind him of the deadline but you have to be ready to walk away or forever accept things as they are on that date. Hope things go well!!
Best, Christine
Great article, so thought provoking. I would love your thoughts on my situation please…
I’m 49 and divorced 3 years and boyfriend is 58 and seperated 5 years. I have 2 grown up daughters and boyfriend has no children. Neither of us have introduced each other to anyone although he did take me to his parents house but knew they were out… I’m ok with this as I’m not in a hurry to meet or introduce either but not opposed to it. My concern is regarding his wife as he texts her, calls her and meets up for lunch regularly and they behave like they are still together despite her living with her boyfriend for 3 years and us dating for 14 months, we broke up for a while over it as i feel he goes to her for emotional support and help with elderly parents and while continuing to do that it stops our relationship developing and me being allowed to support him and take my place as his partner. When we got back together he acknowledged this and agreed to let me support him but in reality he continued contacting his wife but just hide it from me (I know as I saw text messages and confronted him) he said he hid it as he didnt think id like it, it hurt that he chose to meet her anyway dispute thinking that and thought it ok to hide it! And is still doing it.
I’m ok with their friendship but not with seeking her emotional support as that feels like cheating on me… I’ve explained how I feel and he says he can understand and should take my feelings into account but he’s not following through by actually doing what he says he will. When we talk he thinks hes told me things when he hasn’t and i think it’s because he’s had the conversation with her…
He also stares and comments on other women but isn’t as bad as he used to be because I told him it hurt me and was disrespectful. Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable with his dependence on his wife. He says he will divorce in 6months as he is in middle of a house move right now but again I’m thinking there might be a pattern to telling me what he thinks i want to hear but he won’t follow through! He says this is best relationship hes ever had and doesnt love wife but she’s been in his life 30 years…
Hi Carol,
You can feel uncomfortable with his dependence on his WIFE or you can realize… it’s his WIFE. Guys who are married and wanting a side chick will say that they don’t love their wife, getting a divorce, blah blah and the fact is he’s married. The “uncomfortable” is more with you, dear. You are intelligent and believed what he was selling. You can dump him until he’s divorced, or if you’re a glutton for punishment keep dating him, but start dating AVAILABLE men NOW. Read that five times. And when the self esteem is this low, get a coach. In my humble opinion my email coaching for 30 days is a steal.
Hugs, Carol. Many of us women have been in your boat and it’s no boat to be in.
Jump out. You’ll survive.
Love, Christine
Hi Christine — I just came across this article and it helped me immensely. I’ve been with my bf just over a year and a half — we are both mid forties and have children from previous marriages. I have met his daughter (she’s 14) twice – once during a trip to Mexico where I stayed at the same resort. He has introduced me as a friend, but I think his daughter knows it’s more than that. He has told me he has shown my picture to his mother a couple times, and his sister knows about me. But I have not met them, and he has not met my twin girls (they’re 6). In two days, he and I are leaving for Paris for a week. When I am with him, it feels amazing… a connection I never had in past relationships. YET — I have been constantly stressing about him meeting my kids, and why aren’t I meeting his family? I know meeting his daughter is way more important to him than meeting his parents, yet I had it stuck in my head that he isn’t “taking me seriously” unless I meet his parents, and he meets my kids. We had an argument about it last month…as you can imagine, my getting upset and pushing the topic is just making him less eager to meet them. I truly believe he loves me and we could have a life-long relationship, but I’ve been sabotaging it with my socially-defined expectations. I need to take my foot off the gas pedal and just enjoy our time together, and the rest will evolve… I hope 🙂 Thank you again… I really needed to read these comments today.
Most of what you say is logical Christine. In my case, while dating my ex husband I thought it bizarre that I hadn’t met any of his family or friends which is the norm in our East African culture, right up until our wedding. It meant a lot to me as he had met all my family and friends and basically, when one is planning on building a life together, it just makes sense for both parties to meet family and friends. Anyway, by the second year I was bothered he hadnt taken me to his family home although I was the one making an effort to invite his brothers(parents passed away) to our house for holidays. By the time he got around to taking me to his family home and introducing me to the rest of his large extended family, I was done with the marriage for various reasons. Some months later, I began meeting up with our best man for coffee-he was the nicest of my ex’s friends and genuinely wanted us to get back together. He had married after us and was going through a difficult patch, so we confided in eachother. licking my wounds over wasting five years of my life with Mr Wrong, I had decided to date widely but not to get involved in anything intimate or serious until I was sure. Now that I was 45, the men I met were either committmet phobe types or just wanted a booty call so 4 months after my divorce when our best man declared his feelings for me-i was surprised. I reminded him he was married, he was also friends with my ex and I really didnt want to get into something messy; I was attracted to so many of his qualities so when he assured me his marriage was on the way out, I took a chance and started dating him. Soon after, he said his wife and sisters had begged him to give her another chance-so he felt he had to. OK so I should have put the brakes on things then and there, but I had fallen hard for him. Besides, in so many ways he is the right person for me and although I honestly am not desperate to re-marry, honesty is very important to me. We had such an honest relationshiop before getting seriously involved. our first year together, he made sure we spent the holidays together now, in our sixth year, he is still attentive and loving but it does bother me that he tells me his family and friends know about me but I have yet to meet his mother. I’ve delivered stuff to his sister but not entered the house, saying he should be the one to take me-at least the first time. One of his best friends is my doctor and another, he introduced me on the phone!, thats it. His reason for marrying his wife is that having dated on and off for 20 years, he feels he wasted her time (by the time they married she was past having kids) and felt he owed her…maybe im selfish but as a woman, if i was that desparate to have kids, I dont know if i would have waited for him to commit to me. My problem is that emotionally and physically I love and believe him unfortunately, my mind is too analytical, if something doesnt ‘fit or make sense’ I tend to chew on it until I find an answer. Am I being too romantic in thinking a person in love wants the world to know he/she has met the love of their life which includes introducing them to everyone they know?.
Hi Mimi, If I read correctly, you’ve been dating the best friend of your ex who is still married out of his guilt for wasting his wife’s time and delaying committing to her during her birth giving years. This dating has happened for 6 years. You want him to introduce you to his friends and family. But, you’re not wanting marriage.
I want you to realize that both your ex and now this married guy are repeating the same pattern with you of supposedly being “into you” yet not introducing you. You found out with your ex that he was Mr. Wrong. I’d say that pattern too has repeated with this “new” guy. He’s married for 6 years of seeing you. Back up and consider that he’s Mr. Wrong too. Start dating other men Mimi. He can’t connect to you or introduce you because he’s taken.
Hugs, Christine
Hi,
I have been dating my bf for five months now, he’s 54 and I am 59, he is divorce but he is still legally married to his second wife. he has yet to introduce me to his family, I met one brother because he has been room mating with him, his brother apparently told his family about me and he’s told me himself that his family has been asking him about me and to when are you going to introduce your gf to us. He has met my family and we spend weekends together, however, for some reason I still feel insecure about this relationship.
Hi Dalia,
Read my reply to Mimi. You have a right to feel insecure about the relationship. He’s married and not to you.
Go find a guy 100% into you. Those are the only guys to have.
Much love, Christine
Hi, Christine!
Loved this article; it’s given me food for thought for sure.
My boyfriend and I had been friends for about two years before we realized we had a thing for each other. I’d appreciate a non-judgmental space over here, because we were both seeing other people at that time. Both of us were in long distance relationships with other people. It started as a sort of a hook-up, but it was more emotionally driven than purely sexual. It’s hard to explain, but we felt something more than just lust for each other. However, the moment that happened, I immediately distanced myself from then boyfriend (it had been a long distance relationship for some time by then) and as things progressed (in about three months) I broke up with my then boyfriend.
He and I really started feeling for each other; it wasn’t just infatuation, but more than that. It feels like solid love, something I’ve not experienced before, even though I’ve been in other relationships. My current boyfriend though did not break up with his girl; he told me he loved me and I could see it. I wanted him to break up himself without me having to constantly nag him about it, but he wasn’t doing it. Also, who am I to tell him to break up with someone else for me? That should be his own decision, it should come from within. Six months into our relationship, he still hadn’t broken up with his “official” girlfriend (who had come back to the city so it wasn’t a long distance anymore). He said they barely talked and met but I’d had enough and told him that it was better if I left instead of he breaking up with him. I hated saying this because it felt like an ultimatum to him telling him to break up, which was what I didn’t want to do in the first place. Nonetheless, he told me I’m the one and after I knew up about it, he broke up with his “official” girlfriend. He didn’t want to tell anyone about us. I understood.
Months passed, and I brought up the topic of telling people close to us about our relationship a few times, and his time his answer would be different. “It’s too much pressure right now” (what pressure?), “My friends will think I’m using you.” (doesn’t make sense. I know his friends, they won’t think that), “I’m not ready yet.” and what not. I became close friends with his best friend, who eventually fell for me. He told my boyfriend about his feelings, but at that point in time, my boyfriend was still in that other previous relationship so he didn’t reveal anything. And the thing is, I’ve met his friends and none of them know we’re seeing each other. I’m not trying to brag, but I’m a very attractive young woman and guys are always flirting with me, including his friends. His best friend has now also told me he feels for me very strongly. I’ve told him I don’t view him as anything more than a friend, but I feel I can’t tell him anything more because my boyfriend loves keeping our relationship a secret haha. It’s honestly frustrating at times, because I hate lying to my friends, to the people I’m close to, to everyone around me. For everyone else, I’m single. If I ask him why he doesn’t want to tell people he gets annoyed, angry even.
It’s been over 1.5 years that I’ve broken up with my ex, about 1.5 years that my boyfriend and I have been together and almost a year that he’s broken up with his ex. I understand not wanting to tell people, but honestly, this feels like a secret relationship, not a private relationship. I know he loves me, he’s done so much for me. There are issues in every relation, so I won’t get into that. But I feel like he’s not sensitive enough to what I’ve been through for him. I tuck around with him because I loved him, even though he was with someone else and wasn’t calling it off with her. I don’t know why he didn’t, but I feel he kept stalling the breakup because he didn’t want to be the one to be blamed for it; he didn’t want be the bad person by breaking up and so was waiting for her to do it – which she didn’t. His now ex started seeing someone new within only a month after their break up, so it was clear that my boyfriend and she obviously didn’t feel much for each other.
What hurts is, he had made the relationship with his ex official only a few days after they started dating, and I’m not trying to compare his past relationship to the one he has with me, but it still hurts that all his friends would talk about him and his ex being together and tease him about her in front of me, because they were still officially together even though he loved me, not her. With me, it’s been almost 1.5 years that we’ve been together but he’s still not ready to tell other about us, not even his best friend. I feel like 1.5 years together should be enough time for any couple to tell their closest friends.
I fear that I will start to resent him and his decision, and resent is something I don’t want in this relationship. It took him six months to break up with a woman he didn’t love and now it’s been so long and he can’t tell anyone about us. He knew it hurt me to know that everyone thought his ex and he were happy and great and lovey, and he kept hurting me over and over only because he didn’t want to hurt his ex by breaking up with her (she had even stopped feeling for him later)I know I love him and that he loves me, but he honestly starts behaving so strangely if I ever bring up telling our friends. I’ve almost reached the point of accepting that he will not tell anyone about us, I’ve almost come close to being comfortable in this state of sort of unhappiness, and maybe worse still, I’ve almost become too used to getting attention from other guys who are interested in me.
I’m not the kind of person who wants the whole world to know about my relationship, and I definitely don’t think I need the social validation part of it, but I don’t want to keep lying to my people and honestly, I deserve to be flaunted, not be kept a secret. I don’t know what to do really.
P.S. – I’m so sorry for such a long post. I don’t have anyone to tell this to (because no one knows lol) and I had to pour my feelings out somewhere.
Hi,
You sent another message disappointed I hadn’t replied.
Here’s help… when you made a long comment, you never asked a question. Therefore I take it as a vent.
This is an important distinction.
In my work with women I find that when they vent and don’t ask a question the same thing shows up in the relationship… they vent to the guy but he’s not a mind reader and it goes south.
Food for thought about empowering yourself to be assertive.
Best,
Christine
My boyfriend is with me in another country and not back where he’s from, his ex which he has officially been together for just about a month has met his family. While I on the other hand, been with him for almost 2 years have never met them but then again, we do live in a different country. Still makes me feel terrible knowing that his ex might have gone through with him more since they were friends before and after they dated. Also because I’ve seen a photo of his ex and his sister and aunt on Facebook which made it really difficult. Please advise whether I’m just thinking too much 🙁
Hi JS, I couldn’t follow your story.
Hi JS, Sorry… I couldn’t follow what you wrote enough to respond.
I read the article and I agree to an extent. In my previous relationship/experience, I discovered that I was never introduced to his family because he was cheating on me (we were together for 2 years). So, even though I do agree to not fall into societies expectations/validations. I do encourage to be aware and communicate with your partner. If you feel like something doesn’t feel right, that’s because it’s probably not.
Yes, a woman always has to trust her intuition and apply context.
Thank you for the advice. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for almost 3 years. He is divorced and has children that live with him… his friends know about me but I’ve never met him. His parents and children don’t know that he’s in a relationship. And for the most part, his work knows he’s in a relationship and I have met one of the co-workers.
We recently had a conversation because I brought it up (he usually brings up these “where do you see us going” conversations) where I told him that I wanted a timeline on him telling his kids and parents that he’s in a relationship. I don’t have to meet them – it makes me sad but I’ve never had a problem with not meeting anyone in his life and he’s met mine and I feel that it’s an unequal relationship in that way. Maybe I don’t need to stress about this timeline either? (To be honest, I wouldn’t be stressing if we were both 10 years younger – I’m in my 30s and he’s 50 and I want to have kids of my own so I have my own internal clock stressing me out).
Maybe I’m just overthinking and over stressing it all.
Hi Sophie,
The odds are 99.9999999% that he’s not looking to get into another marriage–or he would have done so in these past 3 years! He’s not having kids with you. He’s talking about where this is all going because you’re hot and young and he wants sex with you and he knows the drill. (Girl get my monthly email coaching fast). If your clock is ticking, move it along from this guy and start dating. Think of being 50 and looking back at the foolishness of giving this guy not just 3 years, but maybe 6 or 10 years and he keeps you a secret even though you “loved him so”. Nah. Girl, move on. He’s playing you bad. Have the kids you want. He did. Your turn. A guy in his 50’s ISN’T LOOKING FOR ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP OR KIDS. I put that in caps so you hear me lol.
Hugs, Christine
Hi Christine,
Thank you for your post, it’s very helpful.
I have met my boyfriend on a dating app, we are dating now for almost 5 months, we were both clear since the beginning that we both want to settle down in a serious relationship but of course we need to date a few times to see if we are both into eachother, if it clicks and also if we match. After a few dates we both liked eachother, it was going very well and we both could see potentional serious relationship in eachother.
We got intimate a few weeks ago, after 4 moths dating . We both agreed since the beginning to not be intimate to quick so we could make a connection first, to get to know eachother more and be more like friends before getting to the next level.
After we got intimate, he recently asked me how I see our relationship, what exactly are we now. Basically he wants to hear from me what I think about our relationship. So I told him that we are dating for almost 5 months already and that i see him as a potentional boyfriend, that I’m very happy I met him and i like him very much, wants the whole package of a relationship with him, and want to share my world with him. He agreed and says he thinks the same about me, wants also the same with me and will also wants to share his world with me. He then said, ok so now we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and we are officially in a serious relationship, I said ok, yes I agree! So now we are officially in a relationship.
We see eachother ones or twice a week but we talk or text everyday.
After 4 months dating, I was invited to his home and he could visit mine. He lives with his son of 16 and I live with my son of 21.
But with all this, sometimes I still feel like i’m not that important in his life. When I visit him at his house, I never saw his son, he will stay in his room and when I ask him about not meeting his son yet, he said he’s very shy but will meet him soon, just give it time! And I still can hear his son everytime he gets out of his room to go to the bathroom or kitchen. We are always in the livingroom and he doesn’t even come in the livingroom where we are. Not even to say hi, so for me it’s a little strange.
Didn’t meet his whole family and friends either, but he has met my son! My family live abroad.
I’ve invited him to my aunts christmas dinner plus a friends getogether a few months ago, but he always says he lets me know. Then when I ask him again to let me know if he will go with me, he always comes with an excuse that he cannot go, because of gathering with his family so I feel like his family will come always first and i will come second or stay in the background. I talked with him about it and he says that it’s not like that at all and I also talked about the christmas dinner with my family, that this is a very important day for me and he’s not there to share christmas with me (by the way their family doesn’t celebrate Christmas, he’s moslim) he says that he really wants to be with me that day, that he feels bad he can’t but his family is coming from overseas that week and he can’t promise me a yes answer.
I also told him that I feel like i’m not that important to him, because I asked him a month or more ago if he has other plans for christmas and he told me no and now he suddenly heard a few family members are coming from abroad for a week at christmas time.
My opinion is that he could offer just one day in that whole week with his family to be with me and especially if I asked him before he even knew his family where coming.
I’m very glad I read your post and you are right in every way but still feel confused and don’t want to waste my time with him if i feel like i’m in the background.
I’m very sorry for my long comment but I had to get this out of my chest. Hope I will get your feedback.
Thank you in advance for your patience in reading my comment.
Kind regards,
Amel
Hi Amel,
I wouldn’t worry about his 16 yr old son not coming up to you to introduce himself. Let that one go.
In regards to Christmas, just observe how he handles it. You made your wishes known. Let’s see if he rallies to please you. But don’t mention it or nag him about it.
Hugs, Christine