Why Isn’t He Introducing Me To Anyone Like His Family & Friends?
You like your guy a lot, and then you start to notice a relationship milestone that pops up in your mind like many women encounter when dating men: Why isn’t he introducing me to those close to him?
Before you panic and start asking your boyfriend why he hasn’t introduced you to anyone, you need some relationship advice before a bigger problem develops.
Somewhere in the history of dating men, a woman decided, certainly without any dating tips, that if her man she’s dating isn’t introducing her to his friends, family, and parents, it meant the worst. It meant that he’s not that into her, he’s not going to commit, he’s using her, he’s up to no good, and she’s wasting her time with him.
The cad.
But it could also mean, in the relationship milestone hurdles, that the lack of introduction to his inner circle is NOT a predictor of a break-up to come. It could simply mean that he is a guy.
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In the vast land of Signs He Wants A Relationship, is being introduced to his closest entourage an absolute predictor to your future as a couple?
If you scour the Internet there are lots of advocates of just that.
This article says to break up with him immediately if you’ve confronted him about this topic and he doesn’t take action soon.
I’m sure the author had good protective dating advice intentions for women.
For me, it’s about trusting yourself first and knowing that if your intuition is going off like a five alarm bell, you’ll exit to safety. Or get a relationship coach to hold your hand and drag you out of the fire.
But in the regular fare of life, yes, it’s typical (through societal conditioning) to be cool one day with your boyfriend hunk and then suddenly feel panic that he’s not introducing you or inviting you to family or friends.
One minute you were fine and the next minute you weren’t.
I propose that sudden flip-flopping derives from a victim-expectation that you’ve given meaning to which becomes a requirement from you for him to satisfy.
Sort of like at some point there was no Valentine’s Day, and now there is the business-creation Hallmark Cards/Florist/Chocolates Valentine’s Day to prod women to expect love celebration on February 14.
Your victim-expectation goes: if the bf isn’t bringing the Valentine’s stuff, then-surely-he-doesn’t-love-you. A great boyfriend won’t bite because to do so he agrees that you are going to be a victim if he doesn’t serve up.
If you are okay with the relationship and then out of the blue, and tied to a societal belief that “he should be doing ____,” that sort of pressure on a guy to accommodate your dating milestones isn’t going to feel fair to him.
Please watch my video on this topic here.
I know the urgency of looking for those social-proof signs he’s in a relationship with you to the detriment of all the great things he is doing right.
You may yearn for external signs of validation that the relationship is going somewhere besides Breakupville or Nowheresville as though having those signs were signals from the Universe that this relationship was destined for eternity.
I remember a guy I was dating, and I twisted things so that I could meet his children and afterward…nada. It didn’t change a thing between him and me, and it didn’t end up meaning what I thought my mind had conjured it up to be! We did not progress as a couple.
Let’s go back to that fictitious woman in dating history.
It’s 264 BC of men dating and our protagonist has given great weight to whether her Roman gladiator Brutus is sincere to her as a meaningful wife mate in the first relationship milestone ever.
Amazonia: “Brutus, it cometh to my attention you have deprived me of meeting your gladiator friends. I take this as a sign that you doth have no love for me. Please explaineth yourself.”
Brutus: “Huh? I mean…what sayeth you?”
Amazonia: “You go off with your friends and they don’t knoweth of me, thereforest does this mean I am not of serious consequence in your life to be known to others?”
Brutus: “Amazonia, we are off doing great battles. Most of my gladiator friends die with swords in their lower netherlands. Why bother introducing you to them? What bearing dost that have upon our great love?”
Amazonia: “Well what about your parents? I should meet them so that I can see myself as proper in your eyes. There must be signs you want a relationship.”
Brutus: “My parents are 18 days of riding in a chariot away, and, since the empire is under attack, I must do battle to save me and you which seemeth more important than an excursion to meeteth my parents.”
Amazonia: “But without it you may just be using me like a chamber maid, WHICH I AM NOT!”
Brutus: “You doth protest too much. I must don my armor and leave for work. My chariot awaits for battle.”
There you have it. While your sudden and urgent belief compels you to seek an introduction to all of your guy’s closest folks, it’s easy to dismiss that there is someone else in the mix—him–and his desires!
And he has his opinions and views.
They may differ from yours and are no less valid.
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No one holds the omnipresent view point of what action now ensures a “perfect” future later.
He may not want to put pressure on the relationship, he may dread the drama of his parents, he may fear that one introduction will result in pressure to make babies, he may not even have value for such introductions as he’s anti-Hallmark corporation of drummed up meaning for particular events, he may– 100 other things– none of which means he doesn’t take you seriously.
What you want is your relationship etched in his heart. There is where it matters most.
Now let’s reverse it, and we may find that if your desire for your external acknowledgment were to happen, it would not at all move you up the relationship milestone ladder as you thought. It’s just an event that comes and goes.
Let’s say it’s 4 – 10 months in and you have that snap, that moment that “he should be introducing me because I’m not his chamber maid, I mean hook-up.”
And lo and behold, he invites you to his brother’s wedding.
You feel in. Insider in.
This invite to go as your man’s date has to mean something right?
The wedding ceremony, holding his hand, breathing in that he is sending you a signal of future marriage to you. Ahhh.
Him introducing you to EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE on such a BIG day when you are rocking the LBD. There are his parents, his sister, his brother and new wife, all of his relatives, his college friends, his 3rd grade teacher, his orthodontist from high school, even his ex-post college girlfriend who you vaguely thought was only a friend and now you’re finding out they actually dated for a year but oh well you’re with him now, sister!!
You are looking at the wedding reception napkins and trying to decide if your couple initials will be in gold or silver on your wedding day.
Slow forward to two weeks later.
Something has gone wrong. You didn’t see it coming.
As you look at his face and see his lips moving you hear a broken conversation with word shrapnel landing on your ears as your heart feels a death grip only love can bring…
“…thinking…been unsure…not hurt you…understand…your friendship…timing…”
Yeah, whatever. He just broke up with you.
That is why these relationship milestones mean nothing on a significant spiritual level.
And they don’t mean anything without considering the man.
You may be his walk-off-into-the-sunset-girl.
Don’t make events more important than the quality of his love and how you feel around him.
It’s far better not to get caught up in our expectational minds with a flip-flop moment that’s bringing fear and urgency. And those moments could be expecting Valentine’s gifts, or it means he doesn’t love you. Or if he doesn’t introduce you to his parents it means you’re not significant to him. Or if he doesn’t let you meet his friend that means he’s having an affair. Or if he doesn’t stop what he’s doing to meet you to do something, you dramatically assure yourself and him he has ruined your day.
In those random flip-flop moments where you’re creating an expectation that has “victim” written all over it, here’s what to do:
- Realize it’s all a self-created illusion.
- Realize this is just a conditioned moment and dig in to pull out of it. Creating a story of expectation won’t serve you.
- You may have, spiritually, created the expectation of healing some deep pain so that you can have more love capacity for yourself.
- Feel your judgment and angst over what he’s not doing according to your cute mind and pivot to a better direction.
- Do the thing that you always have in your life that brings you joy such as your pet project, your hobby, your thing that satisfies you.
You are okay. You realize that an external socialized marker such as introductions to your bf’s inner circle may not be what society has it cracked up to be. Instead, it’s all about what’s in his heart and your connection to that love.
And, of course, your love for you.
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I’d love to hear from you below. Have you ever longed for your boyfriend to acknowledge you to others to then have it not feel as you had imagined?
Please share and comment below…
Hi Christine,
I’m curious to hear your thoughts about this. I started dating this guy right after he broke up with his past bf. We’ve been dating for 4ish months now. It started as a casual thing but we became too intimate so I brought up being exclusive. He said he wasn’t ready for that but that he wanted to continue dating. Initially I agreed but noticed that communication slowed down dramatically, we went from seeing each other ~4 days a week to maybe one, and around his friends he’d always keep me at arms length… so I ended things and explained the reasons why. I made it clear that non exclusivity and lack of communication were not for me.
We’re back after having a conversation about what each other needs from the relationship and we’re now exclusive. Here’s what throws me off and sends my creative mind spinning into that victim expectation zone that you talk about: around my friends we are like a married couple, around some of his friends we’re very affectionate as well… but around very specific people (always men) he won’t even hold hands. I believe some of these men are friends with his ex – unfortunately our social circles somewhat overlap. Together with that, he’s careful not to post pictures of us where the ex can see them and says that the ex is not yet ready to see that. This sets off my alarms because it makes me think the ex is just an excuse and he’s probably hiding me from other people he might be seeing and doesn’t want them to see us together. It makes me think that we’re not so exclusive after all. At the same time, I’ve proven myself wrong a couple times before at times when I was jealous or suspicious, so I’m having a hard time making a decision. Do I bring this up and say that it bothers me at risk of becoming too needy and smothering? Or do I wait it out to see how things unfold?
Hi Alex, People generally don’t act diabolical. So when he doesn’t want his ex to be faced with him moving on, it’s not your guy using his ex as an excuse, it’s that your guy still has feelings for his ex.
You ended things before for the non exclusivity. He’s not there yet. You get to decide… stay and be an option and see if over time it changes or move on.
Hugs, Christine
Hi Cristine,
I’m currently in a LDR with a guy I met online. We’ve known each other for about a year now, and been in the relationship for about 6 mos.
Previously, he would let me “meet” his mom, and his friends. Recently however, he suddenly goes out to dinner with friends every other night (he used to go out with friends only once every few mos). And yesterday, he went out with a friend he says he couldn’t introduce me to. We got into a fight coz of this (I couldn’t understand why this particular friend can’t know about me, and his answers were vague at best). And even tho we were still fighting about it, he still continued to meet this friend for dinner, and even ended our vid call when the friend was near.
I don’t understand what’s happening.. should I question this sudden change in behavior that he doesn’t want to introduce me to this friend? Or should I just let it slide and just trust?
Hi Raven,
It sure sounds like he’s playing the field (dating) otherwise there’d be no secrets or rush to get off the call.
I’m curious. The same situation is happening to me. Did you ever met this “friend”?
Thank you for writing this. I’ve been dating a good man for almost 2 years but I have not met a single person in his life. He doesn’t seem to have an active social life or a close relationship with his family but I’m really unsure why I’m kept separate from his life.
Perhaps it is just in my head and nothing more and if it’s not then time will reveal that and I probably shouldn’t stress myself about it.
A good relationship would include introducing you after two years.
Thank you this is a really good stuff! I’ve looked this up a couple of different times and every time it’s an article about Him not being serious or cheating. I really did need to look at the victim a play at some point. However we just had a year mark. He has met my dad. His mom has asked to meet me several times and he has told me that she wants to meet me. There’s been about five times he said do you want to go over there? I would get my hopes up and say yes and then he would turn around and make up an excuse. Later on he would stop by there and go pick up the dinner she picked up for him. I haven’t met any of his friends because he’s told me they like to party and go out. He said he’s not wanting to do that in life right now. We were friends for a little bit before we started dating but I didn’t know him that well. We met at work. we talk on the phone all the time and it’s very unhealthy. I’m pretty sure he isn’t cheating. I just think I’m someone to help the tome go by because he is lonely. He sending me mixed signals.
Hi Christine I just came across this website I was looking for answers. So I’m 24 he’s 50 years old and we have been together for 11 months. We are okay with the age difference and we promised each other that we gonna fight every obstacles on our way. I have met his 2 sons but I have never met his family. I’m always excluded when it comes to family gatherings it’s like I don’t exist at all, especially now that his son just got engaged, I feel like he has asked his sons not to tell anyone about me, it makes me feel sad. When I ask him when am I meeting his family he says one day he’s working on it. I feel like he’s ashamed of me. I’m confused he has met my family and my friends but I haven’t me his. It’s really bothering me.
Hi Lucy,
He considers you an option. Get a second bf fast.
Best, Christine
Hi Christine,
I’m a little confused as to what makes this situation any different than what you described above in this article? I have been with my guy 1 year and 7 months and he doesn’t take me to family functions and no ones but his brother and nephew knows about me. In fact yesterday was Thanksgiving and he bragged to me how his aunt said “you never bring your side pieces around”. Of course she doesn’t know about me but that hurt because he in my eyes denied my love by laughing that off with her and then telling me about it. We live together! And talk about marriage and kids and our future in general so I’m confused if I’m overly emotional or if my feelings are right about it’s unfair for him to expect me to content with being alone in our home for the holidays while he’s gone with his family.
Hi Lelanie,
First of all your guy was mean by telling you about the “sidepieces” comment. That’s a passive aggressive way to let you know that you are one despite living together.
Sorry this is happening. Move. Best, Christine
Hi Christine, I am dating this guy, we met 8 times. At the beginning – first 4 dates he kept distance emotionally and physically and also I saw he was recently active on dating website where we met (he was inactive for 2 weeks before that). I told him I cannot see our relationship progressing. He said he had 2 bad experiences in the past (he proposed and girl told him she never loved him and rejected him and he another one was cheating on him) so he is careful but he is willing to change and wants to keep seeing me. I told him I don’t know if I can deal with his baggage. We didn’t talk for a week. I reached out to him and we started talking again. We met, he said he is sorry, now we are kissing, holding hands, he is more affectionate than before (we did not have sex yet). However, he told me he has facebook account but does not use it (therefore I did not ask him to add me), he still didn’t close his dating account (he is not using it though) and he did not introduce me to anyone and did not mention that. I don’t know if 8 dates is too early? Should I be worried that I might be rebound or he is just taking it slow?
Hi Kate,
it’s way too early and this won’t be a relationship of love. Sorry.
Hi Kate,
I had dated this man from dating app for 5 months. We went from friends to exclusive and now in a relationship. We had a lot of arguments and almost broke up a lot of times. However he told his close friends about me but not yet introduce me in person to his friends. He mentioned his family knows he is dating since they notice he has been going out to meet me. He told his friends he has a girlfriend and mentioned there are time he rejected to meet his friends but prefer to meet me instead.
I asked about his previous relationships. Age 33 this year, He had 3 ex. For his previous ex, he has not brought her to meet his family even after 2 years together because he cannot accept she has a child.
I asked him why isn’t he bringing me to meet his family or friends, he said he would love to but let’s wait till we are stable. He also doesn’t show me his mobile and WhatsApp. Doesn’t like me to call him either.
I had been insecure and do not know if I am the only one.
Hello Christine
Thank you for an amazing article. I’ve been seeing someone for 1 year. I was introduced to him 2 weeks after his divorce was finalized. We grew together quickly and became great friends early on (as I am a widow and understood much of the separation process). He wanted to get serious and become official around month 4. We’ve had our fair share of obstacles but most of our relationship has been wonderful along with continue to grow our friendship. Lately I’ve asked for his plan for marriage and meeting his family (they live out of state). He’s met my family and many of my friends. His response is timing and distance. However, he’s been to visit his family twice this month. The latter visit he took his two sons. When I brought it to his attention he told me he’s got other obligations to handle with his finances than to fly me to meet his family. While he’s been out of state visiting he’s made no attempts to speak on the phone to me around them. Is there a such thing as it being too soon to bring someone around? Or am I an option as you explained to an earlier entry?
Thank you for your response and Happy New Year!
Hi Sheree, I’m unclear if you are at month 5 or what now. When he made things “official at month 4” what did that mean to him? Official what? That’s the question you need to drill down on. Because if it was “sex just between the two of you” that’s has zero to do with long term. Remember, men do what men want to do.
Best,
Christine
I’m seeing a guy for almost 2 months. He say he is living with his sibling and spouse until his house is done in another month. I haven’t met them however he say his mom is visiting from outside of the country for about a month and he say he wants to schedule a dinner between me and his mom to meet. Why meet the mom before the sibling? Is this a red flag? What to think?
Hi Nicole,
I’ll assume you don’t know where he/the sibling live. If that is the case, that’s why you haven’t met the sibling. He doesn’t want surprise visits.
Hi Christine, I loved this article. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been talking to this guy for the past 5 months and when we spend time together he’s amazing. We go on nice dates, I’ve met his co-workers and some of his friends from his hometown have me on social media. He’s met my friend circle too. I brought up the idea of meeting my parents and at first he seemed put off, so when I called him out on it but in a nice way, he just said he’s nervous and want their approval. Heres the kicker, I’ve been away for the past 3 months. Im hoping when I come back things will fall back into place. Valentines is coming up, his family is visiting and there is a wedding coming up (your article fit me perfectly lol), should I worry about any of those things? Is it wrong to hold meaning behind those 3 things? He knows I want him to meet my family and he knows my family knows he exists.
Hi Wren,
It seems that things are very casual between the two of you and with you being gone for 3 months, you basically are still dating him. Let him lead and see where he’s taking you. Don’t push.
hi Christine, thanks for a good read, I like your fresh intake on things and your advice not to get too fixated on social norms/expectations and how to avoid a victim mentality:) I am in a bit of a dilemma here:
I have been dating this great guy for 8 months now, we started off as work friends approx 2 years ago (he was married) – we went on like a house on fire enjoyed each other company, it was all innocent, he has other female friends and I have guy friends and that was never an issue. We had same intake on life and he helped me get through my messy break up 1 year ago. Our “affair” was emotional only, once we addressed that, he left his wife the next day (they dint have any children, I have 2 from previous relationship) We both agreed to take things slow as we both came out of serious relationships less than a year ago. I wanted to distance myself and give him time to do soul searching as didnt want him to make decisions based on a fling that he would regret later in life. He declined that offer and asked me to be exclusive. He claims he wasn’t happy for past 2 years of his marriage and got emotionally withdrawn a while ago and that this is more than a “crush”. He just finalized his divorce and has zero contact with his ex wife (he sold the house, moved out, got divorced all within 6 months time) . We have had a great 7 months, going on dates, holidaying and having a lot of “hedonistic times” together. we are also great friends and I didnt mind being his support network when he was going through his divorce as I felt like I should repay the favor and talking about his ex didnt bother me. But now he is divorced so my job as a therapist is done. No one mentioned the L world yet, we made no plans re future other than both not wanting to ever get married and we have both not introduced each other to our friends nor family and hardly anyone knows about our relationship. Now this is what is becoming to bother me a little bit but probably more out of validation reasons than me really wanting to meet his family and frineds as ultinmately I will be branded as “the other woman” . We only spend 1 on 1 time (and its always a great quality time!) but he insisted on meeting my kids and is great with them. I am somewhat conflicted as I enjoy the hassle-free ride and how effortless it is and I love my space but the the honeymoon phase will start wearing off soon and not sure there is more to it even though I think we both love each other but we both seem to be hurt by precious relationships, not in a rush to evolve, love our independence plus he still deals with guilt and aftermath of his divorce. I believe everyone needs time to heal after a divorce (even though he claims he doesn’t as he is happier now than ever even he admits he feels really awful at times how he ended it with his ex wife) and even though I am in no rush to get onto the next chapter I am not sure how we will ever get to change this dynamics. This relationship whilst being very fun and effortless starts feeling a bit empty. Do we both sound like we are using each other to rebound? I am not sure what to think about it and how to avoid being stuck at the same point as whilst not willing to get married, i also feel each relationship has to evolve. Or should I just wait and see?
Hi Jan,
Good synopsis. It’s interesting that women downplay their needs to start off with a guy, then down the road, here comes the “I want a future with you train.” You have to have a sit down with yourself and come clean to yourself about what you really want. If you have put out there to him you’re so chill and a good listener/hot friend, that’s what you’ve trained him for. He got onboard for that. I hear the wavering within yourself as to if you really want a full relationship with forward being together or if you want to be chill/casual. You have to sort this out within yourself first and then proceed. Hugs, Christine
thank you for the reply Christine, this is the hard part I guess 🙂
Hi Christine,
I’ve been seeing someone for nearly five months, he’s over at my place all the time, I’ve been to his place. He calls me his girlfriend and told me he loves me. Him and I had conversation about introducing me to his friends. He said, yeah it’s about time that should happen, here’s the thing; this Saturday we spent the day together, and at 5 pm while we’re cooking dinner he says his friends invited him out and he’s meeting up with them at 8:30. I was good with it. He made it seem like a boys night. I just said “have fun”, I wasn’t too worried about it. On Sunday he came over in the afternoon and we were hanging out and he started telling me about his night out. Apparently, his friends brought their girlfriends. This actually hurt my feelings and I’m considering breaking up with him now even though we have a trip planned in two weeks. It was a hurtful to hear about the fact that his friends brought their girlfriends but he left my place to meet up with them and didn’t even offer me an invite? He’s usually pretty thoughtful and understands the impact of his actions. I’m not okay with this and have been struggling with it since last night. On one hand, he’s perfectly within his rights to not invite me out to a night out with friends, on the other, it’s actually quite exclusionary and hurtful.
Hi Mia, I don’t think he knew the other guys were bringing gfs, so I wouldn’t hold him accountable.
I’ve been dating this guy for a year now. He already met my friends but haven’t met my family yet cause they’re living overseas. I asked him when will I meet his family. He told me he hasn’t decided about it yet and told me not to tell him about things he should do. He asked me why I wanted to meet his family. I didn’t bother answering him cause I was already hurt. He was taking things casually and texting me as if nothing happened. I replied to his texts but not my usual kind of replies to him. Until I ignored his text hoping he would chase me. We’re not talking for days now. What should I do?
If you’ve been dating for a year and he hasn’t introduced you, you’re just an option. Move on.
Hi Christine,
I’ve been dating a man for the past 3 months.
We’ve been friends for over 10 years. We were both finally single at the same time and “something happened “. Our physical attraction is strong and very satisfying.
It’s definitely nice being with him because I’ve known him for so long and we’ve talked about everything under the sun over the years. The funny thing is he said he felt the same way about me.
I need advice on how to not scare him away. He’s never been married but has had serious relationships. I’ve been married once. We’ve agreed to being exclusive. It all sounds good but I find myself wanting it to move faster. I’ve met his close friends and he’s mine. He’s okay with taking this relationship slow. I need to know how to relax and let it develop.
Hi Grace,
Wanting advice on “how not to scare a guy away/relax” is what coaching is for. It’s beyond the scope of this thread. I do coaching and so do others. It’d be a wise investment. Hugs.
Hi
I’m dating a guy for nearly a year now and we’ve been official since october. He has met most of my family and friends, but except for his parents i haven’t met anybody. We joke about the future & there are plans i meet more of his family soon..
And I think he has just not that many friends, because he doesn’t meet them often. He always meets them alone or like with his best friend, she also has a boyfriend, but still they go out alone to a restaurant or sth..
Of course he can meet his friends alone or go out to a party with friends without me, but somehow I get the feeling that they don’t even really know we’re together… I mean he is really closed up about past relationships and we took everything slow & it took him like half a year for the first “i love you”. I often invite him to things with my friends, so i would like it if he would do the same…
It doesn’t seem like he is eager that i meet his friends soon. Eventhough he says “maybe we can make a game night” sometimes, nothing more happens
When I told my friends i had a bf, they were like “ohh i want to meet him” , etc.
But I don’t want to pressure him into meeting his friends, his birthday is soon, so I just hope to meet them there if he celebrates… Also isn’t it more important to know the family of your BF? Doesn’t this hold a higher relevance?
Hi Lori,
Yes, meeting the parents is a bigger deal.
Hi
I’ve been seeing my bf for two and a half years now. I am 47, have 2 kids and still live with their father although we are separated. I’ll be moving out this year. He is 30 and still lives at home with his parents. It started as a casual thing but has developed into a very loving relationship, despite the age gap and our very different situations. He has met some of my friends. We see each other once a week and meet at his brother’s flat. I haven’t met any of his friends or family, including his brother. He says he’s not ready for that. He only has one or two close friends and his family are very codependent and dysfunctional. He says his parents would not approve and would be judgemental. He suffers extreme anxiety problems and does not work. I don’t know if I should push to meet anyone but I feel so sad about it.
Hi Louise,
So with all the millions of men, you want to settle for a guy who you’ve dated for 2.5 years and you only see once a week?? And he has no job?? And he lives with mum and dad?? Riiiighht. Start dating other men.
Hi christine,
I wonder what your thoughts are on my situation.
Been with my bf for 5 years living together for 1. He has always kept me at arms length from his friends and family. Wanted to asl my mum permission to date me but a year later I had not met his parents. We onyl met because he ended up in hospital. Later I see his family just do not accept me. We perserved.
When it comes to friends …we moved to a new country both away from our fmailies and friends. His friends came to visit I suggested I take time off work to get to know them better. He said it wasnt necessary and then they were gutted I did not spend time with them and was working! It looked like I wasn’t interested. However, when my friends visited we go for drinks and he decides to come. No issue for me I’d love him to know thise important to me.
But he is in my life yet I feel he is constantly compartmentalising me in his. Either I’m his partner or I’m not…..
Even this week. His friend has come to visit and he just announces he will take her to the airport so will be out all day. No invite nada!
Hi Aisha,
The key word about his compartmentalizing you was in the last line.. he announced “he will take HER to the airport.” Female friends flying to a new COUNTRY to see your man?? Think about that one.
Best, Christine
Hi Christine,
I have been dating my bf for 2 1:2 years. I have met all his friends but have not met his family. He has a child and states that he hasn’t introduced me to his family because he doesn’t want to shake things up with the mother of his child. Am I being played?
Hi Briana,
You say “dating” him for 2 1/2 years. So, if you’re that big of a secret, that’s not a relationship. You’re the secret option.
Hey Christine,
I’ve been dating this guy just short of two years, and we currently live together. It’s unfortunately a complicated relationship. He has introduced me to all his co-workers, but I have never met any of his family members – he said it’s complicated and he’s not ready. Meanwhile, he told me from day one that he has commitment issues and doesn’t know how to explain it to me. My fear is that I’m slowly wasting my life with this guy. He has never told me he loved me let alone how he feels about me at all. He defintely demonstrates that he cares but he never verbally shares his feelings., He said he “doesnt do the whole I love you thing” yet I always hear him say on the phone “Love you” to his mom. The thing that upsets me the most, is that he actively uses dating apps to talk with girls. Nothing more than talking, but it drives me crazy. We’ve discussed this multiple times, but he said its not fair for me to ask him to stop because he told me from the start he wants the apps. I’ve left a few times when we didnt live together and even once we lived together I’ve searched for apartments, but then all of a sudden he acts like we are still together and nothing happened. No apology, no discussion…just carries on like every things normal.
It’s been difficult for me because I’ve never connected with someone so well or enjoyed my time with someone so much. So leaving scares me. This is very little information for my question, but it is possible he’ll come around?
Hi Christina
I met this guy on a Christian dating app since am a Christian myself. Our age difference is 8 years. His the older one. So, this guy is a businessman. Our first date was like 2hours since he had to get back to work. His a very busy man. We dated for 8 months. We could meet for those hours since he has a business to run. I never met his friends before. He doesn’t call much. Usually he would whatsApp call. Still trying to get used to his schedule since I love him.Is this normal?
Hi Amanda,
You ask, “Is this normal?” Yes, it’s normal as in unhealthy typical (unfortunately). However it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy to fall in love with a man who gives you two hours during his work day for EIGHT months. Christian or not, he has someone else and is most likely married.
Stay safe and fall out of “love.”
Hi Christina,
I found out my boyfriend of 1 year has a fiancé and they have been together for 10 years now. When I confronted him about her he just played it off and say I was jealous and crazy. Should I confront the fiancé or let her be? During the time I was with him, I have no met his parents and when I ask to met his friends he always plays it off and gives me an excise
Hi H, Let the fiance be and run away from this guy.
Hi Christine,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months and it’s been rocky. We’ve had our up and downs throughout our relationship (like any other) but lately the thought of him not introducing me to his close ones have had me pondering lately. He’s only introduced me to his coworkers and neighbors. He never introduced me to his parents, yet his dad has seen me from afar. He says his mom is old school and says his mom would judge me because I don’t speak Spanish (they are Hispanic). When one of his close friends that he usually hangs out with, FaceTimes him, he always asks my boyfriend when are we going to meet in person? My boyfriend brushes the idea aside and tells me that his friend is someone I’d get annoyed of easily. He also has some best friends that are girls. They tell him that they want to meet me and that we should all hang out but it never happens. I told him I’d like to meet them and he tells me that they’re not the type of girls I’d hang out or click with. Deep down I feel like he’s embarrassed and/or ashamed to introduce me to them all. Am I overthinking this?
Hi, I’d say he has a lot of excuses. You don’t have to say. You can find a new man without excuses to keep you a secret.
I have been dating a man for 9 months. He is 41 years old he sometimes suffers depression and he also has ADHD which he takes medication. He is super nice with me when we are together. Good chemistry and never fight. He claims we don’t communicate well but I feel he has trusted me to talk to me a lot about his kids, family, work etc. I like to talk, he is more introvert and when we are together we talk but there is a gap of communication when he is with his kids. He has 3 kids under the age of 10. I am 49 years old and I have 3 adult daughters And I live alone. We are in exclusive relationships and he spends with me all his free time, we live very close. He is with his kids twice a week and every other weekend and while he is with his kids he never calls me and text me very little sometimes it takes him a day or so to answer my text. If I call him I usually only call once to try but he never answers when he is with his kids. I met his 2 best friends but never met his Family or his kids. Also once there was a party for the company he works for and he said it was only for domestic partners I couldn’t go. I go to his house a lot and he comes to my house . He met my kids, Mom and sister. I just wanted to meet his kids so I can spend a few hours on the weekend with him and his kid and no feel so disconnected. I tell him I love him but he never said it to me. I don’t know where is this going? Or maybe I need to have more patience? Thank you
Hi Anabella, You’ve already shown patience. Nine months in with a guy who can’t say he loves you. Believe him. Why be exclusive with someone who doesn’t love you? Makes zero sense.
Hi Christine,
Can you please elaborate on this point you made? I don’t understand it. You say:
You may have, spiritually, created the expectation of healing some deep pain so that you can have more love capacity for yourself.
Hi Patricia,
To the degree we love ourselves, is the same degree we can love another human. To get there, we have to heal (or let go) of pain from the past.
Hi Christine
My situation is… I’ve been exclusively dating this guy for 10 months now. We live 2hrs away from each other. He rings me every morning. We text throughout the day and at night. He has 3 kids from previous marriage. However his last ex GF is clearly very toxic, a narcissist. She took an AVO out on him the day after he broke up with her because he refused to speak to her. game playing. the AVO ends next month. But she has been calling him and threatening to go to the police telling them he breached the AVO (which he hasn’t) unless he tells her who he is seeing now. she got my name from someone and was sending me messages. which I ignored. and then tried to send them to my best friend.
My problem is though, i have not been introduced to his parents or kids, or close friends at this point. He told me that his parents and his oldest daughter do know about me though. and whilst we were friends on social media, he unfriended me when his Ex was threatening him. He tells me he was protecting himself and his kids and me and things will be normal once the AVO is done. I do sense his distress in being able to navigate the tricky relationships and the impact on him and his kids. Should i wait and be patient? i still would have thought i’d be introduced to his family by now.
Kylie
Hi Kylie,
There’s a LOT of drama attached to your guy and it won’t end anytime soon. You have to decide if it’s too much.
Hi Christine,
I’ve been dating this man for 8.5 months after meeting on a dating site. I had just recently moved to California, so the majority of my friends and all of my family live in another state, but he has met a few of my friends over FaceTime. He is from CA, but I have not met anyone in his life. He says that if I meet his kids it will cause problems with his children’s mother, so I can’t meet them either. We also only see each other once every other week to sometimes only once a month because he works nights and has his kids on his off days. We FaceTime often and have said we love each other, but it feels like I’m not truly in his life. My lease is up in August and I proposed moving in together, which he agreed with doing and told me to look at apartments and even sent some links. HOWEVER, he later stated he wasn’t ready to move in together, but THEN retracted that statement as well and told me to look for 2 bedroom apartments so the kids will have a room too. Since we aren’t together often, I will have food delivered to him at work or home, send him pictures or memes randomly, and get him little presents. He really doesn’t do much, and has even acknowledged that I put more effort into our relationship. Whenever I express my feelings about wanting more, he asks why I always think he’s against me? He tells me he’s on my side, but it doesn’t feel that way. Are we in two different stages of our lives, and should I try to be more patient? How long do you give someone to make the changes they say they’ll make? Am I being selfish for wanting more time? Am I putting myself in the victim role in my relationship?
Thanks,
T
Hi Taarni!
I want you to go to Google and look up this term: gaslighting. Your guy is an expert at gaslighting you. Run away from him. He won’t change. And never listen to a word he says. Block him. Go now. If you stay, you are victimizing yourself.
I would like your opinion on this. I am a 33 year old woman dating a 43 year old man for the past 7 months. We are both divorced. His son and ex are in another country. I live with my son. My ex is in another country.
We live 150 KM apart and meet about once a month. Till today, he has never introduced me to any of his friends. I on the other hand am ready to bring him to my family. I did ask him about this and he said that I need patience and that this relationship is just blossoming. However, he wants us to move in together. How is moving in together less of an issue than introducing me to his close circles? I believe that moving in together with someone is a big step in a relationship. But how is it possible when I do not know anyone from his circle. Am I wrong to feel this way? I feel he is either treating me as an option or he is ashamed of me meeting his people.
Hi Lydia,
I agree with you that moving in together is a much bigger deal. It’s odd that he “wants patience on the relationship” but wants to steam roll it to living together. These are red flags. Wait until he behaves like a real bf before moving in.
Hi,
I just came across this older article and I am really interested in your opinion. I ve been dating my bf for about 3 years. He has 3 kids, whom he introduced me to etc.
Whats bothering me that besides this he doesnt tell anyoneabout me. He doesnt have avery active social lifebuthehas some friendsback home, he is from anothercountry. Buthewont introduce me via videochat oranything. Also his colleagues may or may not know about me.
I am feeling pretty bad about it, but I am unsure if I am overreacting. When asked about it, hesays surehe tells people but I know for a fact that he doesnt. What do you think?
Hi Ellen,
I’d say that friends in another country don’t matter as much as how he treats you daily.
Hi Christine
I currently in a 4 month old relationship with a guy since we started dating he has been kind of distance we dont hold hands or even hug in public unless its far from his neighbourhood when i asked him why he said the he doesn’t want people to judge him…when it comes to communication he would just WhatsApp me “morning beautiful” then the entire day he would remain quiet.( He doesn’t text because its not his thing. He doesn’t want to take pictures of us together because he isn’t comfortable…in public we look as if we are strangers walking in the same…we don’t spend time together because he is always tired or busy… today i asked him when will i get to meet his parents and he told me that he said its complicated because he had already introduced someone to them and they broke up so his parents said that if he intends to introduce someone to them it will be only for marriage so yea…but thing is i am inflicted I love him but at the same i dont feel like this relationship is going anywhere due to the fact there is this cold void between us he says he loves me but isn’t really good when it comes to effort. Please help some advice would be appreciated thanks
Hi Frankie,
Run. You are his option for comfort on his terms when he wants. Sending a crumb “morning beautiful” is nothing more than to keep you on the hook as an option. Run, run, run and don’t look back.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year. After we had been together for 2 months, he introduced me to his sister, cousin, niece and son pne day and his best friend on another day. Two weeks later, he had a female friend flying in from Bali to stay with him for 10 days. He refused to see me while she was over. He wouldn’t talk to me on the phone and refused to let her know about me. I started having trust issues. I discovered that he was still active on the dating site where we met and he said he only went on there to check notifications. He refused to spend Christmas or new year with me. I discovered that he had updated all his profile pictures on the dating site before New year. He said that someone had hacked his account and changed all his pictures, so he had to put new pictures up. He said that he had a work meal on valentines and so we couldn’t spend it together. I wasn’t allowed to see him on his birthday because he was going out for a picnic with his cousin and friends. We haven’t spent a weekend together in 4 months and I haven’t met any of his family or friends since October last year. He gets angry with me if I have a go about him still being on the dating site and I wrongly accuse him of dating other people. He said he isn’t using the dating site.
I decided that I am overreacting about the dating site, but my issue is that none of his family or friends know about me.
Hi Caroline,
Well at least he’s honest. Him spending 10 days with a Bali girl means he’s not your boyfriend. Run, run, run and don’t look back or question yourself. Let it all go. He’s on the dating site because he’s dating from there. Go do better for yourself. There’s NOTHING you can do to change him. Don’t try.
So I have been dating this guy for 8 months we do everything together we work together we spend every night together we get hotel rooms every weekend but he won’t introduce me to his mom and dad he says that his mom talk s*** but he doesn’t even give it a chance to find out what she’s going to say they all know about me they talked on the phone but he won’t let me meet them he says that it’s going to bring drama to him and he’s going to end up fighting with his mom and he has to live with her. I beg him and ask him why am I not good enough why are you not proud to be with me and I don’t know what to do anymore it’s just get into me so bad what’s the big deal let them talk crap. And why are you under the assumption that they are going to talk crap but if they like me you’ll never know. It’s killing me inside I feel like I’m not good enough like I’m an embarrassment.
Jeanna, You’re a rare woman where the guy IS spending time with you and IS spending every night and then a lack of introduction is messing you up. Stop. No guy spends every night with a woman unless he wants to. He wants you. BELIEVE him that his mom will create drama and start crap. Yes, that happens, some parents are toxic. Let. It. Go.
Now, go be a happy woman in love. *smile*
Christine
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months. I just found out the ex he mentioned was never his official gf because he never asked her to be but I am. I introduced him to my parents and he is going to meet my best friends next month. I asked him if he’s gonna introduce me to his parents and friends and he says because of Covid he doesn’t want me to meet his parents. I understand that but he hasn’t told them about me. As far as his friends he says he never sees them that he would rather spend time with me. Which he does he spends every weekend with me. Today was the first time in months that he hung out with one of his friends instead of spending the day with me. I’m not sure if I should let it go because I’m his first gf and he doesn’t know how to go about this but I also don’t understand why he hadn’t even mentioned me to his parents.
Hi Alvina,
All guys, despite their age “know how to go about” being a bf. Six months is on the cusp of being early. Covid is a legit reason. See if you develop as an option or a true gf.
Hi I met someone on a dating app in May. He said he’s been single for 4 years. We’ve been in a relationship for 4 months but I’ve not met his parents yet. His mum lives in the town next to me and his dad about 40 mins away. I’ve only met my boyfriends son 3 times and I am hurt he does not suggest to meet up with my son and I and to do things as a family when he has his son every other weekend. He’s actually had his son 3 weekends in a row and does not ever propose doing something the 4 of us. He sees my son a lot. My boyfriend also puts his fitness before me and has a personal trainer/ exercise classes 3 evenings a week. Is it time for me to let him go because he’s not creating space for me in his life?
Thank you
Hi Rose,
Four months is early, fitness may have to be done at night for him and it’s wise to not bring a date around a child until you are for sure it’s no longer casual. Keep dating him, don’t have him around your kid yet and date someone else at the same time and take things casually until someone evolves into the relationship you want. Hugs.
Hi Christine,
I really love your explanation regarding this. As someone with an anxious nature it made complete sense of the way my mind works.
My fiancé and I have been together for four years.
Since March he has spent his entire furlough (due to coved) at my house.
He normally lives/works an hour and a half from me. He hasn’t moved in as the house, he and his ex (of 25yrs) own, is up for sale and therefore he still has a huge mortgage cost per month. If he moves over now our fuel costs, for his work commute, will be too much on top.
In the four years, I’ve never met his sons, or his other family. He did drive over with his grandson though last year… he’s only two y/o. It’s caused me to get paranoid, sulk, nag, but, I’m from a very close family. He loves his family but they are not open.
They know about me, I’ve text his sister a few times but his ex was a part of their family for 25yrs so I’m not important to them.
As he works a good distance away I’ve not ‘met’ workmates. I think he lost his friends through his breakup. He’s a very quiet private man…not with me but with others and seems perfectly content just having me.
We are best friends, every annual leave, day off, he’s at my home. I’ve had people in the early days tell me it’s dodgy not to meet family, ask me if he’s got a secret marriage!
He leaves work Friday, drives here and goes straight to work Monday. He stays in his sisters spare room in between.
It’s too easy for people to put their own standards and ideas onto others and it’s caused real pain for me when my family, for first couple of years, put those onto me. My other half’s family are harsh and extremely different from my warm, in each other’s pockets, family. His mum put him in care at 12yrs old and drinks heavily…
Thank you so much for settling my mind and showing me how to step back and look afresh at what’s reall6 going on instead of catastrophising!
I been with my boyfriend for 7 months total 3 weeks we broke up for over an huge argument I did things I’m not proud of saying which he stonewalls his feelings and then he came back he’s stepped up immensely!! Expensive dinners rose petals on the bed shaped like a heart in a expensive hotel room and treats me great I love him so much my issues are i can never go to his apt because his roommate doesn’t allow him to have company which is a man he lives in the in-law set up of his house I questioned this a lot but he FaceTime me nightly I’ve seen the inside of his room an he does have up a picture of us in a frame together on his dresser other issues I have is ive never met anyone in his life but he shares everything about everyone in his life with me his 2 kids and his best friends and I seen pictures an videos he comes over whenever I want him to he never tells me no never has blown me off before besides the huge argument we had am I being crazy worrying about these things to early on or should I of been invited to meet someone he’s met my kid an my brother so far I know he’s really divorced an not married but I feel like something is wrong still an driving in his car I noticed his Bluetooth was on do not disturb we talk daily he texts me every morning from work first an then throughout the day he calls me after work then FaceTime before bed we have a schedule this is daily so I don’t know if I’m just being crazy or should have concerns help ?
Hi Nicole,
He’s definitely an open book and can’t be hiding a secret life with a secret woman given the all access pass you enjoy with him. Since it’s 7 months only, it’s still early. Let’s see what happens during the winter holidays.
Hi Christine,
I’ve been seeing a gentleman who is a bit damaged. Post cancer, and an ex GF who left him during his recovery/healing. He is a family friend.. I became his support, and stuck through all phases. We had always had an attraction toward one another,, we’ve slowly became something.. an intimate romance, friends and each other’s confidant.
It’s been 6 months since we’ve been romantically involved.
He says he wishes he could offer me more on the relationship side , however he needs to be on his own for a while. Yet, I’ve met his friends, he’s met my parents, and I know all his family (as I’m a friends of his brother side of his family) , I see him weekly or at the least biweekly. When we are together we are very much in love. When we are apart I don’t hear much from him. (Out of sight , out of mind?) I initiate most texts, and date suggestions. When I decide not to text him and wait to see how long until he texts me first… numerous days will go by.
Basically when I’m with him I feel like I’m important, loved and we are in something! When I’m not physically with him, I feel I’m just his fun time causal girl pal and not important or thought of. I’m confused as he’s met my parents and introduced me to his friends. He’ll proud of me in front of his friends. Holds hands, little kiss here n there. Etc.
what are we? Does he want a relationship but is scared.. ?
Hi Allison,
The operative words from his mouth are “I wish I could offer you more on the relationship side.” He is clear: take him as he is. He’s not interested in more. Yes, guys can be all in when they’re with you and then not think of you later–if you’re filling the bill of an option. An option to be there when HE wants.
Hi Christine,
I have been dating this guy for 6 years now. I have a child and he doesnt have one. He once mentioned that his parents made it clear that they don’t want him to date someone with a kid. After hearing that I broke up with him but he begged me to be with him again. We got back together and he wanted to introduce me but I said no because of what he told me about them.
Now its been 6 years and I feel like the relationship is stagnant. If he was serious about introducing me he would have asked again. He doesnt attend family gatherings/ function with me. I only know few of his friends and I feel like he is not proud of me. Who would want to hide someone he loves for 6 years. My worry is im getting old, I dont know if I should let go and find someone else who will be proud to have me or stay and wait for him to be ready.
Hi Wendy,
You say if he was “serious about introducing me he would have asked again.” How about, “he is respectful of me and when I said I wouldn’t meet his parents, he dropped it and honored my request” ??
So, I’ve been with my man for a year and a half. He hates getting his picture taken so we have like 5 photos together. He won’t introduce me to his family (parents and sister) because he hates them and doesn’t want the drama of talking about us with them. I get it but I find it all childish. He’s great otherwise but we’re in lockdown here in Australia so I can’t get home to see my family for Christmas, and not having his family, he seems fine leaving me alone for the day.
I don’t want to make ultimatums as we love each other (not that he says it often, another artifact of his childhood) but I feel disrespected. Not everyone likes their family but if he’s always with them and talks to them but just excludes me I don’t know what to do.
He’s making excuses for unacceptable behavior as a bf.
I have been dating him for almost 2 years. He has met all of my family and friends and has talked about introducing me to his family/friends. He has 3 kids and just recently finalized his divorce (August) after 2 1/2 years. He now says he’s not ready and has no idea when that will be. I have to stay quiet when he’s on the phone with any family members. A few of his friends know about me but we’ve never met. It’s really been bothering me and recently we talked about it but he basically said he wasn’t ready and had no plan in place. I’m heart broken and feel like I’m not important enough to make me a part of his life. Thoughts?
Hi Kari,
As heartbreaking as it is, listen to him. He’s clear. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. It could be his divorce is too fresh but the good news is he’s not misleading you. He’s upfront. Now you can accept it or move on. It’s not that you aren’t important enough. It’s that he’s not connecting enough to make him shout to the world he’s all in. Don’t devalue your worth by pining for a guy who said “no.” Hugs.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 almost 8 months now. I am recently divorced as of June this year from a 6 year marriage of an abuser. I have a son that’s 4 years old we are both financially stable, have our own houses, but I know he is financially better off than I am. He is a former Marine that was cheated on by his fiancee more than 5 years ago. He is very kind even is waiting for me to be healed from having surgery completely even though I want sex right now and not 4 more weeks from now. He waited until after my divorce was finalized to say he loved me for the first time (3-4months into the relationship) – we’ve been dating thus far for 7 almost 8 months. . I admit I am one of those panicked females wanting to meet his family or see the inside of his house or meet his friends soon. . I also have to tell you that he had been in a really bad almost fatal motorcycle accident in August and just received doctors approval to go back to work this last week. I have a lot of guyfriends that are single and I honestly just look at them all as brothers. I used to (I’m 4 weeks post op and still healing) drink and have parties with my guyfriends but I’d always end up in my bedroom with the door locked and my dogs in my room alone so I dont think it’s a big deal. In the next month or so due to the ex husband not having an interest in paying $100 in child support or seeking his son I’ll be filing for his rights to be removed and our names changed back to my maiden name. He used to work 60hrs a week at a company that works their employees like dogs (so I know hes not lying about him working a lot), but I’d only see him 1x a week at most since we started dating 7 almost 8 months ago. .I tell him everything. . .probably too much at times. He is a man that prefers not to disclose information unless someone asks. .well about 4 to 5 months in someone asked and his friends know of me and his parents know of me too since I asked who would have let me know if he would have died. . .he was lying about his last name until August when I found that out because I am an over thinker, a new single mom, and overly protective (have cameras around my house and even bought a gun and a bow this last year and know how to use them), but we have always had sex every time we see eachother other than 2x thus far (1x the first time we met, and just last week when he cooked my son and I dinner even though I wanted to cook but due to my condition he insisted despite my fuss). . .I’ve mentioned to him that I need more. . .for him to show me I’m not just some chick he has sex with since words for me arent good enough due to my ex husband saying he would be a better man. .and I’d fall for it every time for 5 years. . .
He knows I’m the type of women that sticks around unless told to leave but also has a limit on patience for things I feel strongly about.
My question is. . .how should I feel about him being so slow to introduce me to his friends and or family? He is a good man but I am just concerned since I’ve never been with anyone that lives an hour away and only sees me 1x a week if I’m lucky that I am being used. Before my surgery he was spending the night 1x a week for 4 weeks, he was there the night before my surgery as well which is what I wanted the most. I told him I needed him there for me and he actually was. It’s been 4 weeks next week since my surgery and he has only seen me 1x last week. .I told him though I didnt want him seeing me like I was and he told me he wanted me to heal a bit more. . Idk. . .I’m on and off about this. He knows I dont want to go too fast because I did that with my ex husband but he knows I’m insecure about him using me for sex. This whole uncertainty is new to me. .since I was married for 6 years and with the ex for 7. .
His previous relationships have used him for money, a place to stay, or cheated on him.
I want to give him time but. . .how much is enough time? I feel like I’ve done nothing to instill doubt that I am not a worthy of meeting his family or friends or seeing the inside of his house (btw I do know where he lives and he knows this since August).
Hi Jessica, He’s established how often he wants to see you. I think you might be directing him too much. Take him at his word and accept it. Doesn’t mean he has to be your one and only.
Hi Christine,
My bf and I have been together a year and a few months, but we broke up in May and got back together in September fully. He is from England and is unable to go home for Christmas, so I invited him to my family home. I live in a different state, so he hasn’t met them yet. He did not accept my offer and said he would come to meet them but would leave before christmas. I told him not to come at all in that case. He also refuses to introduce me to friends, for example he had a few friends over for tea yesterday and did not include me. He says exactly what you say in this article, that it feels like I am rushing him and he needs to go at his own pace. I have told him I don’t feel validated in the relationship by his actions. He says is it not enough that I spend all this time with you? Can’t that be enough? I asked him how long i would have to wait before he was ready and he couldnt give me a straight answer. I am hoping you can.
Hi Julie, He’s gaslighting you.
Hi Christine,
My bf of 4 months is going through a divorce. He spends everyday at my house and makes me very happy. Even with all the time together I still feel like an option. His friends and family have no idea I exist and he deleted his fb account bc he didn’t want to upset his ex by changing his relationship status
So basically I can’t post anything and he won’t upset his ex by including me in his life more. I feel like because of the secrecy our relationship isn’t stable and it makes me anxious. He’s an amazing and thoughtful sweet man otherwise. I want to breakup because I don’t want to be a secret. But I love him, should I be more patient?
Hi Rina,
Give him the space to sort through his life and get clear if he can even date like a free man. Do so by dating him and other guys at the same time. He can’t be exclusive to you so you shouldn’t be exclusive by waiting for him.
Hi Christine,
So i have been dating my boyfriend exclusively for a year now but we have been seeing each other for a year and a half. I am really concerned and saddened that i haven’t been introduced to any of his friends or family. I have expressed how i feel and he has told me he is not ready to introduce me. He has met my family and he also has a good relationship with his family. So i am wondering why hes treating me this way we have both confessed our love to eachother , am i wasting my time?
Hi. I would sadly say that you’ve been made his secret option. Don’t accept this. Kick him to the curb and move on. Doesn’t matter that he says he loves you (talk is cheap). He doesn’t love you to share you with the world.
Hi Christine, I keep coming back to this piece of writing for reassurance as I am with a man I love deeply but after nearly 3 and a half years the fact he has not introduced me to any of his friends or family and it is starting to take a toll on our relationship dynamic and frankly my mental health. We are great when we are together but when he spends time with friends and family i find it tough as I am not even sure some of them even know of my existence and I want to be a part of all aspects of his life. He doesn’t share anything about me on social media either so I cant help but feel like something he is trying to hide. Am I being ridiculous and do I just let it go or is enough enough?
Cheers, M
Hi M,
Your great intuition is guiding you. In this case, “not enough” from him is enough reason to call it quits. He’s trying to hide you because you’re not the one for him. And lucky you. You don’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to shout your name from the rooftop in a declaration of love. Tell him “bye bye” and go get a man who loves you 7 days a week not when he’s using you as his option. Hugs.
Hi,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for more than a year now. We have mutual friends in the city we live in, but he hasn’t introduced me to his parents yet. I’ve told my parents about him 3 months into our relationship and asked him to do the same, but he said he didn’t want to and wasn’t ready yet. I was fine with that, 3 months is too close I figured. Then, 9 months in I asked him again and he gave the same answer. I asked him why? He said he wanted to show his parents something stable and that made me sad because I thought things were going great and it was stable between us. I don’t know how long will it take for him to see that things are stable between us; we’ve been living together for almost 9 months. I’m not sure what to do or how to react. Both of us are currently focusing on our jobs and trying to get into good positions, that this is what he meant by stable? I don’t know.
Hi Simone, Nine months in and living together and no parent introduction–something is off. My guess is he sees you more as a transaction than as the one. He can only show parents stable as he goes not spring it on them a year and a half in.
Hello,
I’ve been in a relationship with a guy who was my friend for years before, for about 5 months. Before we got into a relationship, we were FWB but ended up being exclusive for 2 years; just not in a relationship.
We have a lot of mutual friend-circles. Since we put a title on it 5 months ago and entered into a relationship, I’ve expressed several times that eventually we’re going to have to integrate our relationship in public. And that I’m afraid I’m just a quarantine girlfriend and when things go back to normal, he’ll want to be single again or embarrassed of me. None of his friends (and some of mine) know we’re together. He’s introduced me to his neighbors and said he’d tell his friends he had a girlfriend if they ask. He keeps saying he’s fine with us hanging out in public and people knowing, but he never invites me. He says he has never invited any girlfriend out with him before and he needs space to do his own thing. And if I would drop it, he might invite me out.
One night I went over and he voluntarily explained that he would have invited me out but I made him upset the last time we saw eachother, which made him not want to see me for a few days. But he still continues to not invite me and he’s been going out a lot more lately. I don’t think he’s into anyone eise or lying, but I feel like he wants to keep us a secret.
I’ve communicated how I feel several times. What is your take on this?
Hi Shauna, He’s a commitment-phobe and likely got other women as options.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for one and half years. I am a full time mom with a 17 year old daughter. He is a full time dad with a 14 year old son. He has never invited me over his house or introduce me to his family. I seen his house on video chat but that is all. He has met my daughter after a year of being together and I thought maybe if he meet her, then he would feel more comfortable with my daughter and I meeting his family. We have never spent the night together, ever! No vacations or getaway weekends or sleep overs. Every time we plan something, something happens and we need to cancel plans (that’s on both of us). We text and call each other everyday and we also video chat. He works a lot and is very stressed with work. He also works out of the country for months, so I don’t want to cause any issues and make him even more stressed with me complaining. I have told him that I want to meet his family, but he said he isn’t ready. He tells me, I am the love of his life and he can see being with me for the rest of his life. I am very much in love with this man but am I just being naive and he is hiding something? Or should I give him more time as this year has been terrible because of the Corona Virus?
Hi Jennifer.
Go to your closet. Get your sneakers on. Run. Run far away and don’t look back at him.
Hi Christine,
I’ve been been with my boyfriend for a year now. I’ve met some of his friends but since covid I’ve seen some of them on FaceTime. My family lives in another state and his family lives here. He’s never mentioned me meeting his family. I’ve accidentally met his mom and dad but it was just in passing and didn’t get to really talk to them. I’m not sure if he’s told them I’m his girlfriend. He has a decent relationship with his family but they aren’t the closest like I am with mine. He mentioned his ex gf of two years was really close with his family. We’ve never talked about this. Should I be concerned that he’s never brought up the idea of meeting them at this point or should I bring this up?
Just ask him what the deal is and tell him you’d like to meet them. If he avoids it, he doesn’t see you as long term.
Hi Christine, thanks for being everyone’s love guru!
I am dating my boyfriend for 11 months. We spend quite a bit of time together (work / exercise / fun things), I spend time with his family, and he has said that he believes I am the love of his life. Because we have similar social personalities, I was excited about the prospect of all the fun we’ll have together with friends. Also, I believe that a long-term successful couple do not keep secrets / separate lives from one another.
Unfortunately, he sees our friendships as separate – he likes to hang out with his friends (he has many girl best friends, and one-on-one relationships with them), and conversely does not like to hang out with mine. I do not mind that he does this at times, but it is his wish that he can meet his friends (including ladies, one on one) without me even after marriage. This really hurts me as (i) I feel insecure about his friends not seeing me as someone ‘significant’, (ii) him wanting to keep a section of his life ‘secret’ and ‘inaccessible’ to me on purpose. He also mentioned that he would be uncomfortable to discuss ‘secrets’ with his friends with me, even after marriage.
We have argued on this, almost leading to a breakup. He has compromised by introducing me to some friends, but iterated that permanently he wants to keep this separate.
I believe he has good intentions, just a different view of the world. Do you think so? Also, do you think this can be good for the longevity of marriage?
Hi Samantha, He’s playing you. Of course you feel insecure because he has options built into his life and he’s trained you to submissively accept his “lifestyle.” Run.
I am 34 and he is 30. Me and my BF live in the same hood.he lives with his parents.We have been dating a year and half now but we have known each other like 10years ago. We started dating casually then later fell deeply in love. When it was a casual relationship I had no issue with him not telling his parents about us but now that we are this much in love,I don’t know what is stopping him from letting them know officially that we are dating.he keeps telling me that I should give him time to move out of his parents before he can tell them about us.even though the parents know me very well as a lady within the hood but they are yet to know am dating their son. Could something be fishy here?
Hi Evelyn, His moving out of his parents has zero to do with announcing you to them.