Why Isn’t He Introducing Me To Anyone Like His Family & Friends?
You like your guy a lot, and then you start to notice a relationship milestone that pops up in your mind like many women encounter when dating men: Why isn’t he introducing me to those close to him?
Before you panic and start asking your boyfriend why he hasn’t introduced you to anyone, you need some relationship advice before a bigger problem develops.
Somewhere in the history of dating men, a woman decided, certainly without any dating tips, that if her man she’s dating isn’t introducing her to his friends, family, and parents, it meant the worst. It meant that he’s not that into her, he’s not going to commit, he’s using her, he’s up to no good, and she’s wasting her time with him.
The cad.
But it could also mean, in the relationship milestone hurdles, that the lack of introduction to his inner circle is NOT a predictor of a break-up to come. It could simply mean that he is a guy.
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In the vast land of Signs He Wants A Relationship, is being introduced to his closest entourage an absolute predictor to your future as a couple?
If you scour the Internet there are lots of advocates of just that.
This article says to break up with him immediately if you’ve confronted him about this topic and he doesn’t take action soon.
I’m sure the author had good protective dating advice intentions for women.
For me, it’s about trusting yourself first and knowing that if your intuition is going off like a five alarm bell, you’ll exit to safety. Or get a relationship coach to hold your hand and drag you out of the fire.
But in the regular fare of life, yes, it’s typical (through societal conditioning) to be cool one day with your boyfriend hunk and then suddenly feel panic that he’s not introducing you or inviting you to family or friends.
One minute you were fine and the next minute you weren’t.
I propose that sudden flip-flopping derives from a victim-expectation that you’ve given meaning to which becomes a requirement from you for him to satisfy.
Sort of like at some point there was no Valentine’s Day, and now there is the business-creation Hallmark Cards/Florist/Chocolates Valentine’s Day to prod women to expect love celebration on February 14.
Your victim-expectation goes: if the bf isn’t bringing the Valentine’s stuff, then-surely-he-doesn’t-love-you. A great boyfriend won’t bite because to do so he agrees that you are going to be a victim if he doesn’t serve up.
If you are okay with the relationship and then out of the blue, and tied to a societal belief that “he should be doing ____,” that sort of pressure on a guy to accommodate your dating milestones isn’t going to feel fair to him.
Please watch my video on this topic here.
I know the urgency of looking for those social-proof signs he’s in a relationship with you to the detriment of all the great things he is doing right.
You may yearn for external signs of validation that the relationship is going somewhere besides Breakupville or Nowheresville as though having those signs were signals from the Universe that this relationship was destined for eternity.
I remember a guy I was dating, and I twisted things so that I could meet his children and afterward…nada. It didn’t change a thing between him and me, and it didn’t end up meaning what I thought my mind had conjured it up to be! We did not progress as a couple.
Let’s go back to that fictitious woman in dating history.
It’s 264 BC of men dating and our protagonist has given great weight to whether her Roman gladiator Brutus is sincere to her as a meaningful wife mate in the first relationship milestone ever.
Amazonia: “Brutus, it cometh to my attention you have deprived me of meeting your gladiator friends. I take this as a sign that you doth have no love for me. Please explaineth yourself.”
Brutus: “Huh? I mean…what sayeth you?”
Amazonia: “You go off with your friends and they don’t knoweth of me, thereforest does this mean I am not of serious consequence in your life to be known to others?”
Brutus: “Amazonia, we are off doing great battles. Most of my gladiator friends die with swords in their lower netherlands. Why bother introducing you to them? What bearing dost that have upon our great love?”
Amazonia: “Well what about your parents? I should meet them so that I can see myself as proper in your eyes. There must be signs you want a relationship.”
Brutus: “My parents are 18 days of riding in a chariot away, and, since the empire is under attack, I must do battle to save me and you which seemeth more important than an excursion to meeteth my parents.”
Amazonia: “But without it you may just be using me like a chamber maid, WHICH I AM NOT!”
Brutus: “You doth protest too much. I must don my armor and leave for work. My chariot awaits for battle.”
There you have it. While your sudden and urgent belief compels you to seek an introduction to all of your guy’s closest folks, it’s easy to dismiss that there is someone else in the mix—him–and his desires!
And he has his opinions and views.
They may differ from yours and are no less valid.
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No one holds the omnipresent view point of what action now ensures a “perfect” future later.
He may not want to put pressure on the relationship, he may dread the drama of his parents, he may fear that one introduction will result in pressure to make babies, he may not even have value for such introductions as he’s anti-Hallmark corporation of drummed up meaning for particular events, he may– 100 other things– none of which means he doesn’t take you seriously.
What you want is your relationship etched in his heart. There is where it matters most.
Now let’s reverse it, and we may find that if your desire for your external acknowledgment were to happen, it would not at all move you up the relationship milestone ladder as you thought. It’s just an event that comes and goes.
Let’s say it’s 4 – 10 months in and you have that snap, that moment that “he should be introducing me because I’m not his chamber maid, I mean hook-up.”
And lo and behold, he invites you to his brother’s wedding.
You feel in. Insider in.
This invite to go as your man’s date has to mean something right?
The wedding ceremony, holding his hand, breathing in that he is sending you a signal of future marriage to you. Ahhh.
Him introducing you to EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE on such a BIG day when you are rocking the LBD. There are his parents, his sister, his brother and new wife, all of his relatives, his college friends, his 3rd grade teacher, his orthodontist from high school, even his ex-post college girlfriend who you vaguely thought was only a friend and now you’re finding out they actually dated for a year but oh well you’re with him now, sister!!
You are looking at the wedding reception napkins and trying to decide if your couple initials will be in gold or silver on your wedding day.
Slow forward to two weeks later.
Something has gone wrong. You didn’t see it coming.
As you look at his face and see his lips moving you hear a broken conversation with word shrapnel landing on your ears as your heart feels a death grip only love can bring…
“…thinking…been unsure…not hurt you…understand…your friendship…timing…”
Yeah, whatever. He just broke up with you.
That is why these relationship milestones mean nothing on a significant spiritual level.
And they don’t mean anything without considering the man.
You may be his walk-off-into-the-sunset-girl.
Don’t make events more important than the quality of his love and how you feel around him.
It’s far better not to get caught up in our expectational minds with a flip-flop moment that’s bringing fear and urgency. And those moments could be expecting Valentine’s gifts, or it means he doesn’t love you. Or if he doesn’t introduce you to his parents it means you’re not significant to him. Or if he doesn’t let you meet his friend that means he’s having an affair. Or if he doesn’t stop what he’s doing to meet you to do something, you dramatically assure yourself and him he has ruined your day.
In those random flip-flop moments where you’re creating an expectation that has “victim” written all over it, here’s what to do:
- Realize it’s all a self-created illusion.
- Realize this is just a conditioned moment and dig in to pull out of it. Creating a story of expectation won’t serve you.
- You may have, spiritually, created the expectation of healing some deep pain so that you can have more love capacity for yourself.
- Feel your judgment and angst over what he’s not doing according to your cute mind and pivot to a better direction.
- Do the thing that you always have in your life that brings you joy such as your pet project, your hobby, your thing that satisfies you.
You are okay. You realize that an external socialized marker such as introductions to your bf’s inner circle may not be what society has it cracked up to be. Instead, it’s all about what’s in his heart and your connection to that love.
And, of course, your love for you.
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I’d love to hear from you below. Have you ever longed for your boyfriend to acknowledge you to others to then have it not feel as you had imagined?
Please share and comment below…
Hi Christine,
I’m curious to hear your thoughts about this. I started dating this guy right after he broke up with his past bf. We’ve been dating for 4ish months now. It started as a casual thing but we became too intimate so I brought up being exclusive. He said he wasn’t ready for that but that he wanted to continue dating. Initially I agreed but noticed that communication slowed down dramatically, we went from seeing each other ~4 days a week to maybe one, and around his friends he’d always keep me at arms length… so I ended things and explained the reasons why. I made it clear that non exclusivity and lack of communication were not for me.
We’re back after having a conversation about what each other needs from the relationship and we’re now exclusive. Here’s what throws me off and sends my creative mind spinning into that victim expectation zone that you talk about: around my friends we are like a married couple, around some of his friends we’re very affectionate as well… but around very specific people (always men) he won’t even hold hands. I believe some of these men are friends with his ex – unfortunately our social circles somewhat overlap. Together with that, he’s careful not to post pictures of us where the ex can see them and says that the ex is not yet ready to see that. This sets off my alarms because it makes me think the ex is just an excuse and he’s probably hiding me from other people he might be seeing and doesn’t want them to see us together. It makes me think that we’re not so exclusive after all. At the same time, I’ve proven myself wrong a couple times before at times when I was jealous or suspicious, so I’m having a hard time making a decision. Do I bring this up and say that it bothers me at risk of becoming too needy and smothering? Or do I wait it out to see how things unfold?
Hi Alex, People generally don’t act diabolical. So when he doesn’t want his ex to be faced with him moving on, it’s not your guy using his ex as an excuse, it’s that your guy still has feelings for his ex.
You ended things before for the non exclusivity. He’s not there yet. You get to decide… stay and be an option and see if over time it changes or move on.
Hugs, Christine
Hi Christine I just came across this website I was looking for answers. So I’m 24 he’s 50 years old and we have been together for 11 months. We are okay with the age difference and we promised each other that we gonna fight every obstacles on our way. I have met his 2 sons but I have never met his family. I’m always excluded when it comes to family gatherings it’s like I don’t exist at all, especially now that his son just got engaged, I feel like he has asked his sons not to tell anyone about me, it makes me feel sad. When I ask him when am I meeting his family he says one day he’s working on it. I feel like he’s ashamed of me. I’m confused he has met my family and my friends but I haven’t me his. It’s really bothering me.
Hi Lucy,
He considers you an option. Get a second bf fast.
Best, Christine
Hi Christine,
I’m a little confused as to what makes this situation any different than what you described above in this article? I have been with my guy 1 year and 7 months and he doesn’t take me to family functions and no ones but his brother and nephew knows about me. In fact yesterday was Thanksgiving and he bragged to me how his aunt said “you never bring your side pieces around”. Of course she doesn’t know about me but that hurt because he in my eyes denied my love by laughing that off with her and then telling me about it. We live together! And talk about marriage and kids and our future in general so I’m confused if I’m overly emotional or if my feelings are right about it’s unfair for him to expect me to content with being alone in our home for the holidays while he’s gone with his family.
Hi Lelanie,
First of all your guy was mean by telling you about the “sidepieces” comment. That’s a passive aggressive way to let you know that you are one despite living together.
Sorry this is happening. Move. Best, Christine
Hi Christine, I am dating this guy, we met 8 times. At the beginning – first 4 dates he kept distance emotionally and physically and also I saw he was recently active on dating website where we met (he was inactive for 2 weeks before that). I told him I cannot see our relationship progressing. He said he had 2 bad experiences in the past (he proposed and girl told him she never loved him and rejected him and he another one was cheating on him) so he is careful but he is willing to change and wants to keep seeing me. I told him I don’t know if I can deal with his baggage. We didn’t talk for a week. I reached out to him and we started talking again. We met, he said he is sorry, now we are kissing, holding hands, he is more affectionate than before (we did not have sex yet). However, he told me he has facebook account but does not use it (therefore I did not ask him to add me), he still didn’t close his dating account (he is not using it though) and he did not introduce me to anyone and did not mention that. I don’t know if 8 dates is too early? Should I be worried that I might be rebound or he is just taking it slow?
Hi Kate,
it’s way too early and this won’t be a relationship of love. Sorry.
Hello Christine
Thank you for an amazing article. I’ve been seeing someone for 1 year. I was introduced to him 2 weeks after his divorce was finalized. We grew together quickly and became great friends early on (as I am a widow and understood much of the separation process). He wanted to get serious and become official around month 4. We’ve had our fair share of obstacles but most of our relationship has been wonderful along with continue to grow our friendship. Lately I’ve asked for his plan for marriage and meeting his family (they live out of state). He’s met my family and many of my friends. His response is timing and distance. However, he’s been to visit his family twice this month. The latter visit he took his two sons. When I brought it to his attention he told me he’s got other obligations to handle with his finances than to fly me to meet his family. While he’s been out of state visiting he’s made no attempts to speak on the phone to me around them. Is there a such thing as it being too soon to bring someone around? Or am I an option as you explained to an earlier entry?
Thank you for your response and Happy New Year!
Hi Sheree, I’m unclear if you are at month 5 or what now. When he made things “official at month 4” what did that mean to him? Official what? That’s the question you need to drill down on. Because if it was “sex just between the two of you” that’s has zero to do with long term. Remember, men do what men want to do.
Best,
Christine
I’m seeing a guy for almost 2 months. He say he is living with his sibling and spouse until his house is done in another month. I haven’t met them however he say his mom is visiting from outside of the country for about a month and he say he wants to schedule a dinner between me and his mom to meet. Why meet the mom before the sibling? Is this a red flag? What to think?
Hi Nicole,
I’ll assume you don’t know where he/the sibling live. If that is the case, that’s why you haven’t met the sibling. He doesn’t want surprise visits.
Hi Christine, I loved this article. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been talking to this guy for the past 5 months and when we spend time together he’s amazing. We go on nice dates, I’ve met his co-workers and some of his friends from his hometown have me on social media. He’s met my friend circle too. I brought up the idea of meeting my parents and at first he seemed put off, so when I called him out on it but in a nice way, he just said he’s nervous and want their approval. Heres the kicker, I’ve been away for the past 3 months. Im hoping when I come back things will fall back into place. Valentines is coming up, his family is visiting and there is a wedding coming up (your article fit me perfectly lol), should I worry about any of those things? Is it wrong to hold meaning behind those 3 things? He knows I want him to meet my family and he knows my family knows he exists.
Hi Wren,
It seems that things are very casual between the two of you and with you being gone for 3 months, you basically are still dating him. Let him lead and see where he’s taking you. Don’t push.