Why Isn’t He Introducing Me To Anyone Like His Family & Friends?
You like your guy a lot and then you start to notice a relationship milestone that pops up in your mind, like many women encounter when dating men: Why isn’t he introducing me to those close to him?
Before you panic and start asking your boyfriend why he hasn’t introduced you to anyone, you need some relationship advice before a bigger problem develops.
Somewhere in the history of dating men, a woman decided, certainly without any dating tips, that if her man she’s dating isn’t introducing her to his friends, family and parents it meant the worst…he’s not that into her, he’s not going to commit, he’s using her, he’s up to no good and she’s wasting her time with him.
Now, sure it could mean that. Just like the TV weathercaster who gets the weather predictions right.
But it could also mean, in the relationship milestone hurdles, that the lack of introduction to his inner circle is not a predictor of a break-up to come…just like when the weathercaster gets the weather report wrong for the 4th time in a week.
In the great land of Signs He Wants A Relationship, is being introduced to his closest entourage meaningful to your future with your boyfriend as a couple?
If you scour the Internet there’s lots of advocates of just that.
This article says to break up with him immediately if you’ve confronted him about this topic and he doesn’t take action soon.
I’m sure the author had good protective intentions for women.
For me it’s about trusting yourself first and knowing that if your intuition is going off like a five alarm bell you’ll exit to safety. Or get a relationship coach to hold your hand and drag you out of the fire.
But in the normal fare of life, yes, it’s normal (through societal conditioning) to be fine one day with your boyfriend hunk and then suddenly feel panic that he’s not introducing you or inviting you to family or friend’s get-togethers.
One minute you were fine and the next minute you weren’t.
I propose that is not based in reality. That is based on a wild creation (belief) that you’ve given meaning to.
Sort of like there was no Valentine’s Day at some point and now there is the business-creation Hallmark Cards/Florist/Chocolatiers Valentine’s Day.
If the bf isn’t bringing it like that, then-surely-he-doesn’t-love-you relationship-milestone silliness pops up. But that’s another blog post.
Please watch my video on this topic here.
I know the urgency of looking for those social-proof signs he’s in a relationship with you to the detriment of all the great things he is doing right.
You may yearn for external signs of validation that the relationship is going somewhere besides Breakupville or Nowheresville as though having those signs were signals from the Universe that this relationship was destined for eternity.
I remember a guy I was dating and I twisted things so that I could meet his children and afterwards…nada. It didn’t change a thing between him and me and it didn’t mean what I thought my little mind had conjured it up to be!
Let’s go back to that fictitious woman in history.
It’s 264 BC of men dating and our protagonist has given great weight to whether her Roman gladiator Brutus is sincere to her as a meaningful wife mate in the first relationship milestone ever.
Amazonia: “Brutus, it cometh to my attention you have deprived me of meeting your gladiator friends. I take this as a sign that you doth have no love for me. Please explaineth yourself.”
Brutus: “Huh? I mean…what sayeth you?”
Amazonia: “You go off with your friends and they don’t knoweth of me, thereforest does this mean I am not of serious consequence in your life to be known to others?”
Brutus: “Amazonia, we are off doing great battles. Most of my gladiator friends die with swords in their lower netherlands. Why bother introducing you to them? What bearing dost that have upon our great love?”
Amazonia: “Well what about your parents? I should meet them so that I can see myself as proper in your eyes. There must be signs you want a relationship.”
Brutus: “My parents are 18 days of riding in a chariot away, and, since the empire is under attack, I must do battle to save me and you which seemeth more important than an excursion to meeteth my parents.”
Amazonia: “But without it you may just be using me like a chamber maid, WHICH I AM NOT!”
Brutus: “You doth protest too much. I must don my armor and leave for work. My chariot awaits for battle.”
There you have it. While your sudden and urgent belief compels you to seek an introduction to all of his closest folks, it’s easy to dismiss that there is someone else in the mix—him–and his desires.
And he has his opinions and views.
They may differ from yours and are no less valid.
No one holds the omnipresent view point of what action now ensures a “perfect” future later.
He may not want to put pressure on the relationship, he may dread the drama of his parents, he may fear that one introduction will result in pressure to make babies, he may not even have value for such introductions as he’s anti-Hallmark corporation of drummed up meaning for particular events, he may– 100 other things– none of which means he doesn’t take you seriously.
What you really want is that your relationship milestone is etched in his heart. There is where it matters most.
Now let’s reverse it and we may find that if your desire for your external acknowledgement were to happen it would not at all move you up the relationship milestone ladder like you thought. It’s just an event that comes and goes.
Let’s say it’s 4 – 10 months in and you have that snap, that moment that “he should be introducing me because I’m not his chamber maid, I mean hook-up.”
And lo and behold, he invites you to his brother’s wedding.
You feel in. Insider in.
This has to mean something right?
The wedding ceremony, holding his hand, breathing in that he is sending you a signal of future marriage to you. Ahhh.
Him introducing you to EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE on such a BIG day when you are rocking the LBD…his parents, his sister, his brother and new wife, all of his relatives, his college friends, his 3rd grade teacher, his orthodontist from high school, even his ex-post college girlfriend who you vaguely thought was only a friend and now you’re finding out they actually dated for a year but oh well you’re with him now, sister.
You are looking at the wedding reception napkins and trying to decide if your initials will be in gold or silver on your wedding day.
Slow forward to two weeks later.
As you look at his face and see his lips moving you hear a broken conversation with word shrapnel landing on your ears as your heart feels a death grip only love can bring…
“…thinking…been unsure…not hurt you…understand…your friendship…timing…”
Yeah, whatever. He just broke up with you.
That is why these Hallmark relationship milestones mean nothing on a big global spiritual level.
And they don’t mean anything without considering the man.
You may be his walk-off-into-the-sunset-girl despite not meeting the illusionary criteria that you think is important.
Again, if you are doing this, you are making events more important than the quality of his love and how you feel around him.
Conversely, what if you knew him for 2 weeks and he was begging you to introduce him to your parents so that he felt validated in the relationship.
Hopefully, you’d be thinking “what relationship?”
It’s far better to not get caught up in our own minds with our thought of the moment that’s bringing fear and urgency.
In those moments here’s what to do:
- Realize it’s all a self-created illusion.
- You may have, spiritually, created it to heal some deep pain so that you can have more love capacity for him.
- Feel your judgment and angst over what he’s not doing according to your cute mind.
- Love that part of yourself that you could have created a thought that you needed social proof from strangers to feel more at one with your relationship than your man himself.
- Go do the thing that you always have in your life that brings you joy…your pet project, your hobby, your thing that brings you satisfaction.
You are okay. You are normal. You are realizing that an external socialized marker such as introductions to his inner circle may not be what society has it cracked up to be. Instead, it’s all about what’s in his heart and your connection to that love.
And, of course, your love for you.
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